Dateline Ain't got Shit on us

Years ago, me and my friends harassed people on Yahoo for the sake of our own entertainment. Think: To Catch a Predator gone postal. Doesn't matter who got in our way, we were teenage rhinoceroses of the Internet.

Thankfully, we got it all out of our system long before Yahoo started tracking IPs, so please, do not follow our sad example!

Also, note that the names have been changed to protect the identities of the people who already earned untold suffering at our hands. We also changed our own names to protect these same people so that there would be no way to trace these back so these folks (assholes or not) won't get harassed.

shitsnaz: I like you.
poorbastard: no u dont fuckin liar
shitsnaz: What the fuck did I lie about?
shitsnaz: It is not my fault you enjoy boy bands.
poorbastard: how much have u been cussin at me
shitsnaz: Did I hurt your feelings?
shitsnaz: HONK
shitsnaz: HONK HONK I'M A GOOSE!
poorbastard: i went into boy bands because i thought girls were here because i wanted to meet some

Let's see what happens when we have another Shitsnaz pose all Dateline stylee.

poorbastard: do u have a pic
shitsnaz2: yeah
poorbastard: can i see it
shitsnaz2: did you get it i am fat huh
poorbastard: u are the hottest girl i have ever seen
shitsnaz2: no

Lollercoaster. I like how he says “man” to address the guy pretending to be a girl. So many layers of humor.

poorbastard: oh man will u be my internet girlfriend
shitsnaz2: yeah sure
poorbastard: cool man u are really the prettiest girl i have ever seen baby
poorbastard: are ju there
poorbastard: u*
shitsnaz2: yeah i am talking to my friends
poorbastard: WOW I LIKE YOUR NAME
shitsnaz2: what
shitsnaz2: ??
poorbastard: ITS JENNY RIGHT
shitsnaz2: yeah
poorbastard: YEAH I LIKE YOUR NAME
poorbastard: TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT ME

I need that printed on a shirt: “TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT ME!”

poorbastard: WHAT FID THEY SAY
shitsnaz2: nothing yet
poorbastard: U ARE SO PRETTY
shitsnaz2: they said you were KINKY
poorbastard: OH U ARE TOO
poorbastard: BABY
shitsnaz2: yes i know
poorbastard: COOL U HAVE A PRETTY FACE
shitsnaz2: thanx
poorbastard: I LOVE U

Jesus Christ.

shitsnaz2: what
shitsnaz2: whats up with this dude
shitsnaz: he is a chode
shitsnaz2: He said, “I LOVE U”
shitsnaz2: yeah i know
shitsnaz2: he is canadian
shitsnaz: that explains a lot

Somehow, I have to wonder if he was joking with the capslock key too.

shitsnaz2: what
poorbastard: JOKIN I BEARLY KNOW U
shitsnaz2: do you like sex
shitsnaz2: i do
poorbastard: DO U?
shitsnaz2: yes
poorbastard: ME TO

The action never stops on my end!

shitsnaz: SHIT!
shitsnaz: dammit!

When I tried messaging our Poor Bastard, “Jenny” made me into all the woman anybody would ever need.

poorbastard: HE IS MEAN TO ME
shitsnaz2: he is a she
poorbastard: LWTS PRETEND
poorbastard: LETS/
poorbastard: LETS PRETEND KNOW
shitsnaz2: well lets get this started
poorbastard: GO FIRST
poorbastard: GO FIRST OK
shitsnaz2: ok i slowly start to touch your foot long dick
poorbastard: OK
poorbastard: I HAve to go
poorbastard: ok we will continue later
shitsnaz2: why
poorbastard: because i have work at 9 to 5 and i have to get ready
poorbastard: ok bye
poorbastard: baby
shitsnaz2: fuck you later

Daaaaamn! You ever get an Internet dude to be pretendin' to be a chick, it's rude at so many levels to go to work after they touch your foot-long-dick over the webbernet. You just don't do it, YOU JUST DON'T DO IT! Besides, it was about 10:00 PM on a Saturday when we found this guy.

I had to have my rebuttal before he went to work. If I had to be a woman, hey, my friend could be a guy pretending to be a girl that is actually a guy.

shitsnaz: She said she wears the pants in the family
poorbastard: what does that mean
shitsnaz: that means that she has a weenie
poorbastard: eww gross thats nasty?
poorbastard: tell her not to talk to me if a chick has a weenie
shitsnaz: Uh she kinda is a he
shitsnaz: With a short hair cut
poorbastard: ok well umm i will never talk to tjat girl again
poorbastard: that**
shitsnaz: oh because he is seriously busting up about you wanting his giney
poorbastard: giney?
shitsnaz: VAGINA
poorbastard: groos alright you are gross bye
poorbastard: g
poorbastard: gg
poorbastard: g
poorbastard: g
poorbastard: g
poorbastard: g
shitsnaz: I like sex
poorbastard: gross
shitsnaz: ONe last thing
poorbastard: what
shitsnaz: [Web address for the Goatse]
shitsnaz: here is something to remember us by!
poorbastard: thts gross u nasty ass bitch
shitsnaz: I'm sorry don't hit me daddy!
shitsnaz: Ok, I'm sorry here is the real picture
poorbastard: u are both gross leave me alone

I came back with a different name, determined to have this fool abandon the net like he did the pet store when they left his cage open. I was a woman again.

tranny-shitsnaz: Jenny told me that Big Boss and Gray Fox wear the same pair of pants in the family
poorbastard: wow thts surprising
tranny-shitsnaz: me?
poorbastard: what doe s that mean
tranny-shitsnaz: Nothing she just babbles a lot
poorbastard: ya i thought u would look like your sister
tranny-shitsnaz: No I got into a car accident and had to get cosmetic surgery
poorbastard: yeah right u serious
tranny-shitsnaz: yeah, drunk
tranny-shitsnaz: Do you think I'm fat?
poorbastard: are u lien again
poorbastard: tell the truth
tranny-shitsnaz: No you don't think that's me?
poorbastard: well u have tricked me before
tranny-shitsnaz: Listen, if you're going to tell me that I'm not pretty enough I don't want to talk to you
poorbastard: u are fine ok just thought u were jokin

I did the same thing to this guy about six times after this... I decided to cut the heartache out.

tranny-shitsnaz: Your mom's a Nazi!
tranny-shitsnaz: And wears combat boots
tranny-shitsnaz: you piece of dog shit!
poorbastard: UM SEEMS LIKE YOURE THE MOTHER FUCKER SLUT BAG AND KEEP YOUR NASTY STORYS BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A SHIT
tranny-shitsnaz: What the fuck is a slut bag?
poorbastard: YOU
tranny-shitsnaz: Is it like a douche or what?
poorbastard: KIND OF

KIND OF would be another good shirt slogan.

poorbastard: OK NOW YOURE JUST BEING STUPID
poorbastard: GET A FUCKING LIFE
poorbastard: PLEASE AND LEAVE ME ALONE
tranny-shitsnaz: Just admit it your feet stink.
poorbastard: OK MY FEET STINK JUST ADMIT THAT YOURE A SLUT
tranny-shitsnaz: No fair I said I was first
poorbastard: OK SO WE AGREE THEN NOW GO SOMEWHERE
tranny-shitsnaz: Noooooooo!
tranny-shitsnaz: Mike.
poorbastard: WHY YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO? WHO THE HELL IS MIKE?

Indeed, who is Mike? I managed to calm this guy down enough to have a little more fun. After all, it would be another 35 hours before he had to get to work. I also tried convincing him I had a sex-change operation to gain the affection of his father. That is an order of magnitude better than just screaming “mother fucker!” and closing the chat window.

poorbastard: SO U WERE JOKIN ABOUT THE WEENER and the surgery and stuff
tranny-shitsnaz: I'll hug you it will be
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fuckstick
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun!
tranny-shitsnaz: Yes I was joking!
poorbastard: fuckstick or anything like that neans leave it
tranny-shitsnaz: oh sorry
tranny-shitsnaz: I wont do it any more
tranny-shitsnaz: and just to clarify I can't say
poorbastard: its ok so what do mu really look like
tranny-shitsnaz: fuck shit cunt fuck master cock bitch clucker mother fucker?
tranny-shitsnaz: hello you there?
tranny-shitsnaz: 1
tranny-shitsnaz: 2
tranny-shitsnaz: 3
tranny-shitsnaz: 4
poorbastard: YES U KNOW THTA WAS NOT U NO MORE GROSS STUFF IF U SHOW ME SOMETHIN GROSS AGAIN I WILL NEVER TALK TO U AGAIN OK
tranny-shitsnaz: He get's up again!

In the mean time, we found somebody that loves Nascar. The conversation was short-lived.

shitsnaz2: i am really a dude i got a cock
nascarlover: OOO REALY
shitsnaz2: yes yes
nascarlover: YOU A SHEMALE

After our Poor Bastard blocked us, we decided to stop pretending to be female. It got too awkward. So, we hit up the Fundi-teen room!

Note: Shiznas are not theology scholars. In fact, I don't think we're really good at anything.

God-Rawks: nice name!
shitsnaz: Are you canadian?
God-Rawks: nope u?
shitsnaz: no
shitsnaz: does god rock?
God-Rawks: GOD rocks my world!!
God-Rawks: christian?
shitsnaz: Huh no
shitsnaz: Agnostic, that means I can't have babies.

We found she had no problem laughing at sexuality, but my one decent joke goes right over her head.

God-Rawks: interested in becoming a christian?
shitsnaz: Maybe
God-Rawks: awesome
shitsnaz: no
God-Rawks: no?
shitsnaz: yes
God-Rawks: what?
shitsnaz: sorry
God-Rawks: ur confusing me
shitsnaz: what did you ask again?

PEOPLE HATE ME!

shitsnaz: what do I get for being a christian?
God-Rawks: [You can go to Heaven.]
shitsnaz: What? Why would anybody wanna go there then?
God-Rawks: because whats in heaven is better than anything on earth u live forever with gods joy and mercy
shitsnaz: but no sex
God-Rawks: nope
shitsnaz: do you go into heaven if you have sex?
God-Rawks: sure
shitsnaz: so why don't you get it there?
God-Rawks: its just not part of heaven
shitsnaz: so what is up there anyway? birthday party? Swedish massage? M&Ms what?
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: what do u mean?
shitsnaz: what is so great in heaven that I don't have here?
shitsnaz: Is jesus black?
God-Rawks: no hes not
God-Rawks: lol
shitsnaz: oh...

I continue asking about Jesus, even though I've drank beer with the guy.

(By the way, FYI: He can't do the wine-to-water thing anymore, but he's like a master of blowing people's minds. All talkin' crazy shit about things and stuff.)

shitsnaz: Is God a woman?
God-Rawks: nope
shitsnaz: So if he's the father of all earth who is the mother?
shitsnaz: Does she live in heaven?
God-Rawks: there is n mother
God-Rawks: hehe
God-Rawks: no
shitsnaz: So how did he make earth?
shitsnaz: Is the universe a massive toilet because that's the only thing I can think of.
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: he just did

She invited it.

shitsnaz: You mean poo'd?
shitsnaz: He Poo'd and looked down and said "I think I'll call that thing earth!"
shitsnaz: It took him 7 days ya know
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: ur funny
shitsnaz: wanna join my cult?
God-Rawks: what is it?
shitsnaz: Cult of the men with shaved genitals.
God-Rawks: wow thats interesting but im not a guy and no thanx
shitsnaz: oh
shitsnaz: there's only one entrance exam
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: ok
shitsnaz: aight, fill out this entry form- never mind I lost it in the paper shreader

When I push the envelope, I tend to use a bulldozer.

BUZZ!!!
shitsnaz: MY PENIS IS ON FIRE!
God-Rawks: ok?
shitsnaz: sorry wrong window
shitsnaz: Can I tell you something?
God-Rawks: sure
shitsnaz: it burns when I pee.
God-Rawks: ok
God-Rawks: sorry
shitsnaz: yeah I was doing it on some dudes porch
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: why were u peeing on someones porch?
shitsnaz: Because he fizznatched my bizznatching shiznat off the shizzle dizzle fizzkcing fuzzle buzzle pizzle
God-Rawks: oh
shitsnaz: yeah I know
God-Rawks: u forgot fohizzle
shitsnaz: Mizzle toe

Nobody asks about my past anymore.

shitsnaz: My mom moved there with the four guys working in the taco truck on Main.
shitsnaz: One of them has a pegleg with a kick stand
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: cool beans
shitsnaz: Don't fucking call them that they almost stabbed me when I said that
God-Rawks: hey now whatch ur lanugage
God-Rawks: ur talking to a lady
shitsnaz: I am?
God-Rawks: yep
God-Rawks: what did u think i was a guy?
shitsnaz: that never happens girls wont talk to me because of the warts
God-Rawks: ewwwwwwww
shitsnaz: yea it's hard to make money in this town

The only thing I did right when I was 16 is set aside my hard drive that had all of me and my friends' chat logs. I knew they would come in handy some day!