29 September 2007

Worst Sex Scenes Known to Man!

Some movies have excellent love scenes, like 300 (no shit), the Last Samurai, or Lost Highway. Then there are some movies that, unfortunately, have sex scenes. Don't get me wrong--I like a good love scene as much as the next guy, but some movies have just HORRIBLE sex scenes that ruined the movie. I decided that compiling a list of the worst sex scenes would let audiences know that, indeed, there is a reason for the fast-forward button on their remotes.

I began to research the subject and discovered the Post Register had already compiled a list of the top ten worst sex scenes. However, I noticed that there were some movies not even mentioned that had far worse love scenes! Not only that, but many of these were in fact cheesy romance movies, where an awful sex scene is to be expected. Such is not the case with the movies I watched...

So without further delay, the eight worst sex scenes ever:


The Matrix Reloaded

The Register was accurate in giving this spot a place on the list. There is a sex scene that boggles the mind. Ted--I mean Neo--gets it on with Trinity inside the Motel 6 of the future while a Cave Rave happens just outside their door. Ridiculous? Yes. Just not anymore ridiculous than the rest of the movie. I gave it number 8 because it was another one of those occasions where a director put something into a movie just to make sure it got an R-rating.

Thankfully, there is nothing terribly notable about the sex scene other than Bill is not present with a camcorder.


The Stand

Alright, it's not really a movie, but it was almost short enough to be counted as one. Anyway, even though this piece of shit was made for TV, they still forced in a sex scene. I know you might be scratching your head asking, "how is that possible?!" Quite frankly, they cut the naked-ness out and just left the bad-ness.

Uber villain, Randall Flagg, is getting ready to put the moves on character Nadine Cross. However, instead of foreplay, he decides turning into a monster would help set the mood.

Number SIX:

Killing Me Softly

Wow this movie blew. I could barely sit through it. MASSIVE piece of shit. Unlike other movies in this list, however, it didn't even need the awful sex scene to ruin this movie.

A young, attractive girl from the US named Alice (Heather Graham) moves to Britain and falls in love with a footy-loving gentleman. However, not ten minutes into the film, she has sex with a mountain-climbing douche bag named Adam (Joseph Fiennes). At the end of the movie, we discover Adam was also fucking his sister and his sister tries to kill Alice. (?)

Anyway, the awful sex scene entails Alice being choked with an incredibly long strip of silk, mid-coitus. The scene also took place on the grounds of his family's church. Not only that, but she narrates the experience to an overly-sober police inspector, along with other elements of her abusive relationship.

Fantastically crappy.



I didn't watch the entire movie, so I cannot comment, but I did watch the scene below:

Replay video | Share video | Watch more videos

I laughed. I'm sorry, this scene is terrible, but it is mostly harmless. However, I also didn't have to sit through an entire crappy movie, so I may be biased. But, this may be one of the funniest, albeit least erotic, scenes ever caught on film. I can see why it earned number one on the Post Register's list of worst sex scenes.


A History of Violence

The movie honestly looks good on the cover, so long as you are drunk/stupid/willing to believe anything. A former hitman (Viggo Mortensen) brings up his family in rural America. As a result, he gets it on with his late thirties wife (Maria Bello) while she wears a cheerleader outfit. They could have let it go there, but the former hitman decides that bowling his lady over onto the bed and viciously 69ing through the cheerleader outfit is a brilliant idea. And I mean viciously.

Then his son shoots Ed Harris on their front lawn.


Brokeback Mountain

I'm going to receive so much hate mail for this. But this firmly belongs in the middle of this list. It possesses certainly not the worst sex scene I have ever seen, but it is indeed awful. So, before I continue, I hold no biases or prejudices towards the LGBT community, just this movie.

This movie could have been about a forbidden romance between two sheep farmers that grew up and got jobs. In fact, that was what it was about when you read the back cover. However, they also felt it was necessary to depict the single worst sex scene that eclipses the entire movie. This single scene should be skipped from the movie if at all possible. I am not kidding you, it's terrible. In fact, you may want to even skip my synopsis.

About a half-hour into the movie, Heath Ledger and Jack Gyllenhaal escape to their single tent to escape the elements. A few seconds later. Heath Ledger rips Jack's pants off, bends him over, spits on his hand to grease his John Thomas up and then penetrates Jack anally. Hol-ee shit. They could have shown this scene through the side of the tent or something, but the romance runs for the hills when you see a cowboy spitting on his hand for lubrication.

The rest of the movie isn't bad at all, in fact, it is rather good. Just that one scene made me angry that somebody stabbed romance to death with an ice pick.


An even better concept than Brokeback Mountain's original premise:

Brokeback Mountain Parody.


Enemy at the Gates

What do you know?! Another movie that Ed Harris gets shot in!

The whole movie is... okay. All the Russians have English accents and Ed Harris is inexplicably German. But, they accurately portray the mythology that chases Vassiley Zaitsev (Jude Law), one of the best snipers that ever lived and what he did during World War 2. However, they decided that throwing in a sex scene between Vassiley and his female partner would be a good idea.

Now, you would think that this sex scene could have been done right. Two snipers, facing the yawning chasm of death decide that one last act of romance was all that they had left for each other. Instead, Zaitsev's partner (Rachel Weisz) gives up her virginity, squeezed tightly between two sleeping, old, fat Russian soldiers. Not only that, but Jude Law clamps his hand over her mouth while bumping and grinding. Rachel Weisz looks back with a horrified expression as he grits his teeth.

Rachel Weisz Sex Scene From "enemy At The Gates"

One of the least romantic pieces of shit ever caught on film. Somebody needs to jiggle the handle on this scene.

NUMBER ONE, the SHITTIEST romance scene of all time:

Blue Velvet

I am a big, fat, David Lynch fan. I love his movies as they so closely mirror what nightmares and lucid dreams are like. His most easily understood movie, Blue Velvet, is a nightmare. Frank Booth (Dennis Hopper) is a nightmarish mobster that, frankly, scares the shit out of most people.

This scene, the one above, is by far the most awful sex scene in any movie ever. The previous movies combined, in all of their crapitude, are an order of magnitude less crappy than the sex scene in this otherwise awesome movie. Watching Dennis Hopper shake for a few seconds, Blue Velvet muffling his own screams goes from terrifying, to funny, to WHY THE FUCK DID I RENT THIS FUCKING MOVIE YOU FUCKING FUCK FUCKERS!?

The only thing that makes this movie unique is that the rest of the movie is honestly awesome. Watching Beaver Cleaver jump head-first into a crime boss obsessed with S&M is mind-blowing. Unfortunately, David Lynch spares the audience no relief in making this movie, making it about as classy as dime-store pornography.

In all, watching these scenes has given me something to think about, something to look forward to. The day that I ask "is the love scene terrible?" of all movies.

15 September 2007

Worst Love Scenes Known to Man

Sometimes me and the other Shiznas will watch movies for entertainment purposes. It has become our goal to create a list of the top ten worst love scenes in movies and televisions ever witnessed by man. So far, we know that the movies Blue Velvet ("Mommy!") and Enemy at the Gates (sewers) are very high on our list. But, we need to know the ten worst sex scenes known to man.

To start out, we do have one resource to guide us, the Register. They put together a list of the worst sex scenes that they could possibly come up with and I have to admit, it is impressive. However, we noticed that our first two picks were not in the list, so we expect to put together an updated list with these movies in the next few weeks.

Give us time--it's hard watching terrible movies.

BONUS! Worst sex scene in Achewood.

Dateline Ain't got Shit on us

Years ago, me and my friends harassed people on Yahoo for the sake of our own entertainment. Think: To Catch a Predator gone postal. Doesn't matter who got in our way, we were teenage rhinoceroses of the Internet.

Thankfully, we got it all out of our system long before Yahoo started tracking IPs, so please, do not follow our sad example!

Also, note that the names have been changed to protect the identities of the people who already earned untold suffering at our hands. We also changed our own names to protect these same people so that there would be no way to trace these back so these folks (assholes or not) won't get harassed.
shitsnaz: I like you.
poorbastard: no u dont fuckin liar
shitsnaz: What the fuck did I lie about?
shitsnaz: It is not my fault you enjoy boy bands.
poorbastard: how much have u been cussin at me
shitsnaz: Did I hurt your feelings?
shitsnaz: HONK
shitsnaz: HONK HONK I'M A GOOSE!
poorbastard: i went into boy bands because i thought girls were here because i wanted to meet some
Let's see what happens when we have another Shitsnaz pose all Dateline stylee.
poorbastard: do u have a pic
shitsnaz2: yeah
poorbastard: can i see it
shitsnaz2: did you get it i am fat huh
poorbastard: u are the hottest girl i have ever seen
shitsnaz2: no
Lollercoaster. I like how he says “man” to address the guy pretending to be a girl. So many layers of humor.
poorbastard: oh man will u be my internet girlfriend
shitsnaz2: yeah sure
poorbastard: cool man u are really the prettiest girl i have ever seen baby
poorbastard: are ju there
poorbastard: u*
shitsnaz2: yeah i am talking to my friends
poorbastard: WOW I LIKE YOUR NAME
shitsnaz2: what
shitsnaz2: ??
poorbastard: ITS JENNY RIGHT
shitsnaz2: yeah
poorbastard: YEAH I LIKE YOUR NAME
I need that printed on a shirt: “TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT ME!”
poorbastard: WHAT FID THEY SAY
shitsnaz2: nothing yet
poorbastard: U ARE SO PRETTY
shitsnaz2: they said you were KINKY
poorbastard: OH U ARE TOO
poorbastard: BABY
shitsnaz2: yes i know
shitsnaz2: thanx
poorbastard: I LOVE U
Jesus Christ.
shitsnaz2: what
shitsnaz2: whats up with this dude
shitsnaz: he is a chode
shitsnaz2: He said, “I LOVE U”
shitsnaz2: yeah i know
shitsnaz2: he is canadian
shitsnaz: that explains a lot
Somehow, I have to wonder if he was joking with the capslock key too.
shitsnaz2: what
poorbastard: JOKIN I BEARLY KNOW U
shitsnaz2: do you like sex
shitsnaz2: i do
poorbastard: DO U?
shitsnaz2: yes
poorbastard: ME TO
The action never stops on my end!
shitsnaz: SHIT!
shitsnaz: dammit!
When I tried messaging our Poor Bastard, “Jenny” made me into all the woman anybody would ever need.
poorbastard: HE IS MEAN TO ME
shitsnaz2: he is a she
poorbastard: LWTS PRETEND
poorbastard: LETS/
poorbastard: LETS PRETEND KNOW
shitsnaz2: well lets get this started
poorbastard: GO FIRST
poorbastard: GO FIRST OK
shitsnaz2: ok i slowly start to touch your foot long dick
poorbastard: OK
poorbastard: I HAve to go
poorbastard: ok we will continue later
shitsnaz2: why
poorbastard: because i have work at 9 to 5 and i have to get ready
poorbastard: ok bye
poorbastard: baby
shitsnaz2: fuck you later
Daaaaamn! You ever get an Internet dude to be pretendin' to be a chick, it's rude at so many levels to go to work after they touch your foot-long-dick over the webbernet. You just don't do it, YOU JUST DON'T DO IT! Besides, it was about 10:00 PM on a Saturday when we found this guy.

I had to have my rebuttal before he went to work. If I had to be a woman, hey, my friend could be a guy pretending to be a girl that is actually a guy.
shitsnaz: She said she wears the pants in the family
poorbastard: what does that mean
shitsnaz: that means that she has a weenie
poorbastard: eww gross thats nasty?
poorbastard: tell her not to talk to me if a chick has a weenie
shitsnaz: Uh she kinda is a he
shitsnaz: With a short hair cut
poorbastard: ok well umm i will never talk to tjat girl again
poorbastard: that**
shitsnaz: oh because he is seriously busting up about you wanting his giney
poorbastard: giney?
shitsnaz: VAGINA
poorbastard: groos alright you are gross bye
poorbastard: g
poorbastard: gg
poorbastard: g
poorbastard: g
poorbastard: g
poorbastard: g
shitsnaz: I like sex
poorbastard: gross
shitsnaz: ONe last thing
poorbastard: what
shitsnaz: [Web address for the Goatse]
shitsnaz: here is something to remember us by!
poorbastard: thts gross u nasty ass bitch
shitsnaz: I'm sorry don't hit me daddy!
shitsnaz: Ok, I'm sorry here is the real picture
poorbastard: u are both gross leave me alone
I came back with a different name, determined to have this fool abandon the net like he did the pet store when they left his cage open. I was a woman again.
tranny-shitsnaz: Jenny told me that Big Boss and Gray Fox wear the same pair of pants in the family
poorbastard: wow thts surprising
tranny-shitsnaz: me?
poorbastard: what doe s that mean
tranny-shitsnaz: Nothing she just babbles a lot
poorbastard: ya i thought u would look like your sister
tranny-shitsnaz: No I got into a car accident and had to get cosmetic surgery
poorbastard: yeah right u serious
tranny-shitsnaz: yeah, drunk
tranny-shitsnaz: Do you think I'm fat?
poorbastard: are u lien again
poorbastard: tell the truth
tranny-shitsnaz: No you don't think that's me?
poorbastard: well u have tricked me before
tranny-shitsnaz: Listen, if you're going to tell me that I'm not pretty enough I don't want to talk to you
poorbastard: u are fine ok just thought u were jokin
I did the same thing to this guy about six times after this... I decided to cut the heartache out.
tranny-shitsnaz: Your mom's a Nazi!
tranny-shitsnaz: And wears combat boots
tranny-shitsnaz: you piece of dog shit!
tranny-shitsnaz: What the fuck is a slut bag?
poorbastard: YOU
tranny-shitsnaz: Is it like a douche or what?
poorbastard: KIND OF
KIND OF would be another good shirt slogan.
poorbastard: GET A FUCKING LIFE
tranny-shitsnaz: Just admit it your feet stink.
tranny-shitsnaz: No fair I said I was first
tranny-shitsnaz: Noooooooo!
tranny-shitsnaz: Mike.
Indeed, who is Mike? I managed to calm this guy down enough to have a little more fun. After all, it would be another 35 hours before he had to get to work. I also tried convincing him I had a sex-change operation to gain the affection of his father. That is an order of magnitude better than just screaming “mother fucker!” and closing the chat window.
poorbastard: SO U WERE JOKIN ABOUT THE WEENER and the surgery and stuff
tranny-shitsnaz: I'll hug you it will be
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fuckstick
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun!
tranny-shitsnaz: Yes I was joking!
poorbastard: fuckstick or anything like that neans leave it
tranny-shitsnaz: oh sorry
tranny-shitsnaz: I wont do it any more
tranny-shitsnaz: and just to clarify I can't say
poorbastard: its ok so what do mu really look like
tranny-shitsnaz: fuck shit cunt fuck master cock bitch clucker mother fucker?
tranny-shitsnaz: hello you there?
tranny-shitsnaz: 1
tranny-shitsnaz: 2
tranny-shitsnaz: 3
tranny-shitsnaz: 4
tranny-shitsnaz: He get's up again!
In the mean time, we found somebody that loves Nascar. The conversation was short-lived.
shitsnaz2: i am really a dude i got a cock
nascarlover: OOO REALY
shitsnaz2: yes yes
nascarlover: YOU A SHEMALE
After our Poor Bastard blocked us, we decided to stop pretending to be female. It got too awkward. So, we hit up the Fundi-teen room!

Note: Shiznas are not theology scholars. In fact, I don't think we're really good at anything.
God-Rawks: nice name!
shitsnaz: Are you canadian?
God-Rawks: nope u?
shitsnaz: no
shitsnaz: does god rock?
God-Rawks: GOD rocks my world!!
God-Rawks: christian?
shitsnaz: Huh no
shitsnaz: Agnostic, that means I can't have babies.
We found she had no problem laughing at sexuality, but my one decent joke goes right over her head.
God-Rawks: interested in becoming a christian?
shitsnaz: Maybe
God-Rawks: awesome
shitsnaz: no
God-Rawks: no?
shitsnaz: yes
God-Rawks: what?
shitsnaz: sorry
God-Rawks: ur confusing me
shitsnaz: what did you ask again?
shitsnaz: what do I get for being a christian?
God-Rawks: [You can go to Heaven.]
shitsnaz: What? Why would anybody wanna go there then?
God-Rawks: because whats in heaven is better than anything on earth u live forever with gods joy and mercy
shitsnaz: but no sex
God-Rawks: nope
shitsnaz: do you go into heaven if you have sex?
God-Rawks: sure
shitsnaz: so why don't you get it there?
God-Rawks: its just not part of heaven
shitsnaz: so what is up there anyway? birthday party? Swedish massage? M&Ms what?
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: what do u mean?
shitsnaz: what is so great in heaven that I don't have here?
shitsnaz: Is jesus black?
God-Rawks: no hes not
God-Rawks: lol
shitsnaz: oh...
I continue asking about Jesus, even though I've drank beer with the guy.

(By the way, FYI: He can't do the wine-to-water thing anymore, but he's like a master of blowing people's minds. All talkin' crazy shit about things and stuff.)
shitsnaz: Is God a woman?
God-Rawks: nope
shitsnaz: So if he's the father of all earth who is the mother?
shitsnaz: Does she live in heaven?
God-Rawks: there is n mother
God-Rawks: hehe
God-Rawks: no
shitsnaz: So how did he make earth?
shitsnaz: Is the universe a massive toilet because that's the only thing I can think of.
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: he just did
She invited it.
shitsnaz: You mean poo'd?
shitsnaz: He Poo'd and looked down and said "I think I'll call that thing earth!"
shitsnaz: It took him 7 days ya know
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: ur funny
shitsnaz: wanna join my cult?
God-Rawks: what is it?
shitsnaz: Cult of the men with shaved genitals.
God-Rawks: wow thats interesting but im not a guy and no thanx
shitsnaz: oh
shitsnaz: there's only one entrance exam
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: ok
shitsnaz: aight, fill out this entry form- never mind I lost it in the paper shreader
When I push the envelope, I tend to use a bulldozer.
shitsnaz: MY PENIS IS ON FIRE!
God-Rawks: ok?
shitsnaz: sorry wrong window
shitsnaz: Can I tell you something?
God-Rawks: sure
shitsnaz: it burns when I pee.
God-Rawks: ok
God-Rawks: sorry
shitsnaz: yeah I was doing it on some dudes porch
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: why were u peeing on someones porch?
shitsnaz: Because he fizznatched my bizznatching shiznat off the shizzle dizzle fizzkcing fuzzle buzzle pizzle
God-Rawks: oh
shitsnaz: yeah I know
God-Rawks: u forgot fohizzle
shitsnaz: Mizzle toe
Nobody asks about my past anymore.
shitsnaz: My mom moved there with the four guys working in the taco truck on Main.
shitsnaz: One of them has a pegleg with a kick stand
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: cool beans
shitsnaz: Don't fucking call them that they almost stabbed me when I said that
God-Rawks: hey now whatch ur lanugage
God-Rawks: ur talking to a lady
shitsnaz: I am?
God-Rawks: yep
God-Rawks: what did u think i was a guy?
shitsnaz: that never happens girls wont talk to me because of the warts
God-Rawks: ewwwwwwww
shitsnaz: yea it's hard to make money in this town
The only thing I did right when I was 16 is set aside my hard drive that had all of me and my friends' chat logs. I knew they would come in handy some day!

11 September 2007

Potentially the Best Game Concept Ever

Smash-TV meets Harijuku: It would be the best video game ever.

Unfortunately, I don't believe this is the "appropriate" way to play this game. Looking at descriptions, it is an erotic Japanese video game that, for whatever bizarre reason, has conventions to whip, bat, and throw things at severely anime-ish school girls.

Coming Soon: Worst Chat Logs Known to Man

When I was in High School, it was before MySpace took off. Instead, the cool thing to do was to use instant messenger to network. Unfortunately me and the other shiznas didn't quite grasp the concept.
Shitsnaz: Is the universe a massive toilet because that's the only thing I can think of.
godrocks: lol
godrocks: he just did
Shitsnaz: You mean poo'd?
Shitsnaz: He Poo'd and looked down and said "I think I'll call that thing 'Earth'!"
Shitsnaz: It took him 7 days ya know
I found a selection of chat logs that I will edit for content, non-comedic grammatical mistakes, the names and to make me look as good as possible.

The Internet will never forgive us.

07 September 2007

Suicide Rate Among Teens on the Rise: Emos to Blame

An article by Medical News Today states that the suicide rate among teens (10-24) has been on the rise and was the highest jump in the last 15 years. No doubt Emos are to blame. This quote demonstrates this theory eloquently:
Dr. Keri Lubell, lead author of the study, said "It is important for parents, health care professionals, and educators to recognize the warning signs of suicide in youth. Parents and other caring adults should look for changes in youth such as talking about taking one's life, feeling sad or hopeless about the future. Also look for changes in eating or sleeping habits and even losing the desire to take part in favorite activities. [Another concern might be the wearing of tight pants, long, stupid hair cuts, and crying at one's own poetry.]"
Sounds like Emos to me.

Seriously, though. A rate increase such as this is only somewhat confounding. An extra two or three people per 100,000 is statistically significant, but creating a moral panic about this would be stupid. It's no different than saying that because Columbine happened in 1999 that violence in schools are on the rise. As we all know, violence in schools "declined" and then "dramatically rose" when he VA tech shootings happened. These suicides may not be isolated cases, but a spike is not continuous.

Now give me a longitudinal data-set that shows the suicide rate steadily rising and I'll call you the new Emile Durkheim.


By the way, on the topic of a lack of updates; just remember that getting out of prison is much more difficult than getting in.