31 July 2007

US Army gets robot idea from shitty movie.

The Army is not the place one should look to for practical innovation. In fact, it's been the object of unbridled ridicule in the past. What I read today only goes to show that not only is the Army out of ideas, but they've reached the bottom of the barrel of where to steal ideas from.

2007, a story surfaces about a robot with a machine gun mounted to its chassis preparing to be deployed in Iraq. A few people made jokes about terminator, a few more realized that mounting the ever-shitty M249 SAW to an RC car is the biggest waste of tax dollars imaginable, and then there was me that saw the true intent of this project... project "SWORDS".

1995, the movie "Evolver" is released to the public. This piece of shit is about a robot that goes crazy and kills people so it can win at laser tag. At one point, the two protagaonists/high school students of the movie break into a military research facility (!) and watch a video about a top-secret government project for a futuristic military robot. It was called project "SWORDS".

The two acronyms and purposes of the robots are plain to see. It's painfully obvious to me that the Army stays up late and flips back and forth between demiporn on Cinemax and the horrible movies on USA. I can only imagine a researcher dropping his can of "Da Beast" to realize that, yes, there *has* to be a project SWORDS and a killer robot.

One should realize that I am not calling Army engineers "stupid", I'm just saying they're unoriginal. That's why they will likely study from the mistakes of the robot in the movie Evolver and create a more adequate killer robot.

1995: Evolver is based off of a video game robot and as such behaves like Arnold Schwarzenegger if Johnny Five is Jerry Lewis. Evolver is equipped with a number of weapons such as an inexplicably pain-inducing laser and a foam-ball shooter. Another feature is that it is anthromorphic from the waist up. However, it's obvious that the designers of the robot in the movie said "fuck it, it doesn't need legs" and gave it treads instead of trying to figure out bipedalism.

2007: The US Army commissions ARDEC and Robotic System-Joint Project Office to produce more robots for the SWORDS program. Instead of a foam-ball shooter and a potentially annoying laser weapon, the robot is equipped with an M249 SAW. Given a robot can't clean a gun that fouls very easily, I can see why some people are skeptical of the Army's new toy. Driving your damn RC car back to home base to clean or reload it has to be humiliating. I would almost rather mount the laser to it and just piss off insurgents. So, in this case, it seems like the Army dropped the ball in comparison as they could not mount a duty worthy gun to it and were too damn lazy to include a torso and the voice of William Macy.

1995: Given that one of the protagonists is not female and a nerd, he decides to instruct the robot to go on a panty raid into the girl's locker room at his local higschool. The robot takes refuge in a laundry basket full of the girls' undergarments and begins observing the slew of silicone-breasted girls. Evolver blows its cover with an innuendo pulled from its battle-oriented vocabulary which pisses of one of the many topless, athletic girls into revelaing herself enough to push the laundry-cart-with-a-robot-in-it out the swinging backdoor of the locker room. Six hours later, the robot kills somebody.

2007: The Army realizes that horny robots are practically useless. So, they put a human operator behind the controls. This was a bad idea on their part as demonstrated in this link.

1995: The robot "evolves" after getting its ass kicked again. It's laser can now set stuff on fire and it decides steak knives make the best munition for its foam ball shooter after figuring out that ball bearings are not as good at fucking shit up.

2007: The US Army determines that an evolving robot is, frankly, a stupid idea. Especially since it would probably get blown up anyway by a gym bag packed with C4 so actual personnell wouldn't have to.

1995: One of the skeptically attractive girls from high school falls in love with the painfully horny leading man-boy. They break into a military research facility (wtf?) and view a video that explains the origins of the SWORDS project to build a robot that kills people. It should be noted that it uses an extremely annoying laser to kill people.

2007: The Army, not wanting to face the humiliation of teenagers breaking into a research facility, throw out the concept to every nerd on the internet to jack off to. The Army did itself a favor.

1995: Evolver imprisons the mother and daughter of the show with a curling iron that shoots out eight or so lasers around its prisoners. The laser has the power of setting teddy bears on fire and making bath robes burst into flames.

2007: Shiznas.com, asked the Army for a comment on any laser-jail capabilities of this new robot. In a prepared statement by Captain J. Whillakers of the Army Corps. of Engineers, he said, "... the Army has no intent on using the robot to take prisoners... ...it is designed for high-risk combat situations. Besides, a laser prison is just gay."

1995: The protagonist finally destroys the robot by pushing its fat ass into the swimming pool. Top-heavy robots are prone to falling into things, especially swimming pools.

2007: There are no swimming pools in Iraq.

Even with its failures, the Army's new robot will no doubt be used in the US's occupation and probably save some lives as insurgents laugh at the implausability of the robot and even take turns riding it to see who can stay on the "infidelbot" the longest.

Link to the Army's shitty robot

Link to the shitty movie "Evolver"

28 July 2007

Sabayon 3.4A is out and about

More old news, but Sabayon 3.4 was just released... and I still haven't installed my favorite OS of all time. Ran into the following problems:

  1. I couldn't find a high-speed method of downloading the ISO, so I ran it through bit torrent for four days. Even with encryption, my ISP cracks down on any kinds of uploads.

  2. I'm out of bread, so I couldn't buy a high-speed download or a burned DVD.

  3. After getting the ISO, my DVD burner completely died.

  4. My new DVD burner is an HP DVD Writer 300c... These are notoriously bad because they require drivers (windows only) to burn disks. Even K3B can't convince my burner it's capable of burning something.

  5. I'm out of bread, so I can't buy a new burner.

  6. I decided to use my lappy's burner, so I tried moving the ISOs I downloaded to an external hard drive.

  7. Discovered those disks (with important backups already on them) don't like files over 4 gigs. I can't reformat it, and I can't beat it.

  8. Using my XBox as an FTP server to be a middle man to play "file leapfrog" onto my laptop to burn the ISOs.

  9. I'm out of bread, so I can't buy any ammo to shoot myself with.

Seriously, I am anticipating the hell out of playing with this new release. It looks like all kinds of fun and I can't wait to try out the new version of X and especially VMWare under Windows.


x86-32 version here.

x86-64 version here.

Rockin' the Whiskey Dick

It's a few days old, but this Achewood reminded me that all it takes is a man named Jack to get my hard-on raging.


25 July 2007

Spetsnaz--not to be confused with Shiznas

It takes a special kind of person to volunteer to be run over by a truck... and break a brick over one's head... and get hit with a large, wooden plank... and...

Play a Doovde on your Tiv.

Prank calls are rarely as funny as the work of the Fonejacker. I was introduced to his work on BoingBoing today and haven't been able to stop laughing since.


Via BoingBoing.

19 July 2007

XKCD breaks out

I like XKCD a lot. Every now and then there is one that makes you re-read the punchline while grinning.


18 July 2007


Gillette is the most morally repugnant company in existence. I went out to buy replacement heads for their jizzo-blasto Mach 3 and found that not only was their a confusing array of three-blade replacement heads (ranging up to five blades) but the smallest package of replacement heads is a measly four blades at $10.99! The eight blade package is a whopping $21.99.

So, I tried something new. I found that Bic makes a package of four complete, disposable, 3-blade razors for the cost of $3.99. It's still a lot for a plastic handle with three angled pieces of sharpened steel, but it isn't $2.50 just for the angled steel with a weak, plastic frame.

Lesson? In our culture, it costs less to be wasteful. You pay the price dearly for what consumers might perceive as quality and avoiding waste.


Well, at least I can shave now without taking out a mortgage.

17 July 2007

Do the Cosmonauty!


New Russian Kit Pedlar in Town

Finding quality Russian kit that isn't drenched in cosmoline or 50+ years old is tough, especially in the United States. That's why I was surprised to see Soviet-Propaganda pop up so soon. They carry all kinds of rare stuff like SPOSN Gorka and other stuff from ANA that is usually only available when ordering direct from Russia. So, if you are planning on a Russian loadout, this place may be worth a shot. I know team Shitsnaz will be shopping here.


Gun-mounted camera

Looks kinds of cheap, but a company has recently produced an RIS-mounted digital camcorder that takes SD cards. It's about $200, so it is a bit rich for me to afford, but I would love getting my hands on one. My ghetto-rigged-camcorder-bolted-to-an-AK-receiver-cover doesn't do the job well enough to have any decent enough videos to submit. I may have to consider one of these little guys for the job.


Big-Eyed Guy Photoshop Compilation

It was only a matter of time.


Best VG Cats ever.

The problem with VG Cats is that it is not consistently funny. But, when they are funny, you'll herniate a disk while rolling on the floor. I suppose it takes just the right game, and Worms be it, baby.


16 July 2007

I have been gone, but i will return.

YEP YEP YEP. Those dirty U.P.L.A bastards got me. But i have escaped.


This is simply bizarre but I have seen evidence that has indicated that being nice to a robber is sufficient to turn them around and make them walk away, changing their mind. Even stranger is this example in Washington DC where a would-be robber first threatens to shoot a 14 year old girl and ends up sipping wine with the crowd, culminating into a group-hug. Just goes to show that alcohol can be used responsibly!


Via BoingBoing.

Video originally based off of this Achewood strip.

13 July 2007

iPhone in a blender

I'm not usually a fan of "will it blend" but I'll make an exception here. The old gentleman who gets all of his jollies by metaphorically peeing on consumer goods gets an iPhone into a blender and shows us what happens.


Response to "For the Love of God".

If it is ridiculous or over the top, I probably like it. Damien Hirst is no exception. He is the Jackass of modern art and I like it, his taste is always terrible. So, it was only a matter of time until somebody had an artistic response to his latest creation, "For the Love of God".


Via BoingBoing.

12 July 2007

Resident Evil 4 for the Wii, a terse review

Resident Evil 4 may very well have been the best action/adventure game available for the Game Cube. It has some of the best graphics for the system, an OK story, and the gameplay is second to none. That's why I was so excited for RE4 for the Wii.

The basic idea is the same. They took the Game Cube version and updated it for the Wii. They also added a few extras from the PS2 version (Seperate Ways, a side-mission after you beat the game) and included a small amount of exclusive content like Leon's "gangster outfit". That said, that's not what this iteration of RE4 is about, it's about the controls.

The controls of RE4 Wii-edition are far better than the controls of any other action game on the Wii. So freaking good I could not put the game down and it is the primary reason I have not been posting as much to the blog lately. VS stopped posting in protest (or out of laziness), so you will have to excuse us. At least my excuse stems from having arguably the perfection of Resident Evil 4 in my TV room.

The controls are pretty much the same for movement and most everything else (button placement is of course a bit different), the only tweak is the aiming, knife-system and reloading. To reload, hold down the button to ready your weapon and shake your Wiimote up and down to get your Leon to reload. Shaking the Wiimote side-to-side results in Leon slashing with his knife. It makes it a lot more fun than simply hammering the A button with the left trigger pulled down like on the Cube. However, the real excitement is with aiming.

You have a cursor on your screen that you control with the Wiimote like a pointer. You point at an enemy with your Wiimote, prepare your weapon, and start shooting. While this may not seem like anything special, it adds tremendous depth to the game and it is way beyond a rail-shooter in terms of complexity. I am getting head-shots or knee-shots whenever I want and it makes the game much more exciting when you don't have to depend on freakishly huge guns to get through the game. It especially makes the game more fun when playing the Mercenaries. I am getting crazy scores playing the Mercenaries on the Wii. With Krauser, I got over 100,000 on all the levels with my first try! So if you enjoy the Mercenaries "game-within-a-game" on the original versions, I strongly recommend at least trying out the Wii-version, it is far more exciting.

Complaints? Of course. Not every gun is Wii-enabled. The rifles and RPG do not work with the Wiimote, you must use the analog stick. This is a gross disappointment as the rifle is necessary at certain parts of the game. I usually relied on the Red-9 pistol to get me through the game, so switching from a very entertaining gun to a rather boring gun to get the business done was quite lame.

Another problem is the game has not been remastered visually. It's the same exact graphics we saw on the Cube. Granted, the graphics were gorgeous for the time, but they put no effort into remastering the graphics for the Wii. I suspect this was a cost-cutting measure to keep the game as cheap as it is.

Also, the game may be too easy. I have not yet tried a fresh game on professional mode, but I got through normal mode in no time at all and got a 5-star rating on every Mercenaries mission inside a few days (normally a VERY difficult task on other systems, it took me over a month of on-and-off play on the Cube to accomplish this). I suspect professional mode can't be so difficult it stops the steam roller that is the Wiimote.

Bearing in mind that the game is by no means worse than any previous version and typically a vast improvement in game play, it gives us a high quality game that should be bought whether you never played Resident Evil before or are a big fan of RE4 and the other Resident Evils. You will not be disappointed with the fantastic game play and the depths which Capcom goes to ensure replayability with side-missions and unlockable content.

10 July 2007


It finally happened. They put METAL GEAR [box] on the PC. Not only that, but it's for Mac, Windows, and Linux!

Click here.

(P.S. I am so sorry for all the people this post pissed off. I thought I could get a cheap laugh out of your suffering.)

The Agonized Screams of all iPhone Owners

I think Confucius once said, "man that buys first generation Apple product is retarded." All Steve Jobs could say is, "BOOM!" It is starting to sound like the case with the iPhone. We've probably got an iPhone "mini" or "nano" on the way if their production plants are gearing up for a tiny new device similar to the iPhone.


via: BoingBoing

08 July 2007

Add preview images to Firefox.

Lifehacker put up a link to the coolest Firefox Add-On I have ever seen. After installing it and restarting Firefox, you have the option of tweaking the add-on through a preferences menu in the add-on window. You can do all kinds of neat shit like scaling the preview images to a static number of pixels or a dynamic window width. It also doesn't seem to make Firefox much more bloated than it already is. Runs real speedy on my rig.


Via: Lifehacker.

06 July 2007


damn i'm glad i graduated before this since arrived in our high schools, but i still am a proud member of the A.E.M (Anti Emo Movement).

more funny links about emo's

04 July 2007

The Transformers Movie may be the best thing ever.

Find as many people as you can and take them to see Transformers. They will not be disappointed. My one sentence movie review:
Special effects that make you cry for joy, dialog that makes you pee yourself laughing, and a movie that doesn't try to take itself too seriously make for the best sci-fi flick of the summer and best robot flick of all time.

There are enough in-jokes for die-hard fans and enough action to keep non-fans on the edges of their seats. Go see this movie now.

02 July 2007

What Star Wars Kid could have done differently.

The Numa Numa Guy and Star Wars Kid have a lot in common. They are both younger males, they did something semi-embarrassing on video, and got tremendous exposure for doing something relatively innocuous. The primary difference was their responses to the exposure. Star Wars Kid had his parents go all out to stop the exposure and punish the teenagers that put out the video that got them into trouble. The meme caught on fire but has now largely fizzled out, leaving the Star Wars Kid the very vision of an "angry nerd" and all that remains of his legacy are some creatively edited versions of his original video and a community disappointed with his reaction.

The Numa Numa Guy took a different approach. I can't imagine he dreamed he would have this kind of success with that relatively innocuous video. But instead of panicking and trying to censor every outlet for the wide-spread video, he embraced it and encouraged the community. He created a whole community, got a band to reproduce the video, and has a contest for the next video he sees fit to be the next "Numa Numa Guy" at newnuma.com.

The differences in their success and overall happiness are staggering. Gary Brolsma did the internet equivalent of winning the lottery--becoming a web-celeb.

Perhaps I can win "the internet lottery" with one of my videos. No?