16 August 2007

I got to play with Apple's new Keyboard/iMac

I am, no doubt, a bit of an Apple whore. My workplace uses Apples, I've got an iBook for when Linux pisses me off and I downright like the aesthetics and attention to detail Apple has placed into products. I'm such a fan of Apple products, I actually enjoy using a Mighty Mouse (GASP!). That's why I was delighted that my office at work had two Mac Pros and two of the new iMacs for me to play with earlier this week. I ripped open the boxes and got to work on these machines that were previously in the realm of "yeah right, maybe in a couple of *years*."

Since there are so many reviews of the Mac Pro out there, I'll keep it short. If you love tinkering on hardware, the Mac Pro offers expandability out the wazoo. You'll have a good time if you like your computer like a muscle car; huge, heavy, metal, powerful, impractical, and fun to work on.

As for the new iMacs? Whole different animal. Like their older, glossy white sisters, these beasts are darn near impossible to work on short of adding more RAM to the already crammed ram-bin (couldn't think of a better way to describe where the RAM is stored). So, that already hurts these computers in my book. Also, the aesthetics are not up to snuff, if you ask me. The best feature of the iMac, externally, is the glossy screen. I even adjusted to the black trim around the display that I hated initially. Even though the screen isn't LED back lit, it is still gorgeous. Other than that, the new iMac looks like a freaking iPod on the outside. The cheesy black plastic on the back made me frown and the aluminum has a lot of sharp corners. The new iMac is definitely a lot more aggressive, much less friendly looking computer, especially considering the first two iMacs were downright cute. So, in terms of aesthetics, the new iMac doesn't cut it for me. I like my Apples to be cute and my PC's surly and ornery.

Well, now that I have picked on the outside, I'll tell you about the inside. There is a much heavier duty ATI card in this machine than on previous iMacs, so Quartz operates like a million bucks compared to the Intel GMA 950 chipset iMacs that I am used to. Another nice feature is the iSight camera is much cleaner and has a higher frame rate than the one on my older iMac. I have to wonder if this isn't because my older iMac was the cheapest model from that generation. Nonetheless, even though it has some nice new internal hardware, you're paying for the same shit in a different case. So, if the new iMac body style and glossy screens don't do it for you, look at some third-party retailers to see if you can pick up a previous generation iMac for cheaper. Especially since this bugger only came with Tiger and the new version of iLife... that's right, no Leopard, just Tiger.

Lastly, the new keyboard has been a hot button for a lot of Apple geeks (get it? Hot button? I am so clever.). I spent a couple of hours typing on it and found that while it was reasonably comfortable to type on, it had enough problems that I decided to revert to my Apple Pro keyboard. For instance, this new keyboard is INCREDIBLY low. It sits so close to the desk that you should forget a wrist rest. The low profile made it difficult for me to type. Another issue is the buttons are all flat and the same level, exactly like the keys on a Mac Book. This really stinks for touch typing and I found I was fat fingering keys all the time. The buttons are so nondescript when touching them, even compared to my relatively flat Sony Vaio. Also, the distance your fingers travel when depressing a key is really short. I heard many people complain that Mac Books were really uncomfortable to type on because of this, especially if you hammer keys like I do.

However, the new keyboard does have it's merits. For one, the two USB ports are USB 2.0 and provide power! So, hooking up a flash drive works perfectly with the new keyboard. So long as your flash drive isn't too fat and ends up lifting your keyboard up on that side. Also, the keyboard his highly responsive thanks to it being USB 2.0 and Apple having some solid drivers to go with it. Another neat hack that Apple did with the keyboard is that the media keys are tied directly to iTunes. So, you can change tracks without actually having to call iTunes up! Lastly, there is also the fact that because all of the keys on the keyboard are covered, you're very unlikely to get shit stuck between the keys like on the Pro keyboards. You could practically use the keyboard to hold up your PB&J sandwich and not have crums fall to a translucent bottom for the world to see. So, Apple earned points for finally fixing that flaw with their keyboards.

While the new iMac wasn't a disappointment, just the same iMacs from before repackaged with a couple of updates, the keyboard was the biggest disappointment for me. Apple had a VERY aesthetically pleasing product with their new keyboard and a lot of technology in the little sucker but it failed to deliver due to ergonomics. I realize I am very demanding of the keyboards I use, and I doubt I will ever like a keyboard until I get my hands on a Model M, but Apple is really slipping, especially in comparison to Logitech and Microsoft who are producing just awesome keyboards now. I really hope Apple keeps producing the Apple Pro Keyboard, or I'm going to have to switch to Logitech in the future.

Final word? Buy the last revision of iMac if you are still in the market for one. That, or wait for the next revision, something you should do with most Apple products anyway.

09 August 2007

Alice, the Snorg Tees Girl, naked pics!

I fucking hate you people.

The "Ding Dong Phenomedong"

You remember that time that you put on that fake moustache and that mullet wig and said, "look at me! I'm a *douche bag*?" Somehow somebody created a professional career out of looking like a douche bag.

A few years back, EBaum's World, aka "the biggest, stealing piece of shit on the Internet," posted a music video created by a man calling himself "Günther". This man was equipped with aviator sunglasses, a mullet and the worst mustache (not even a "moustache") I had ever seen. I consciously remember throwing up a bit in my mouth when I saw his pixelated, naked ass emerge from a pile of nude women. All I could see was mustache, glasses and mullet. I tried to close the window and only minimized it.

One has to understand that while most sex songs are meant to be legitimate "get-down and fuck music" other songs are so ridiculous that you have to wonder if the song writer created the song just to embarrass people.

The "Ding Dong Song" is one such case. It was a fine specimen at that. The childish innuendos used to describe Günther's penis could not be taken seriously. I brought the window back up and almost cried laughing at how terrible the rest of the video is. Specifically, these highlights:
  1. Nobody in the video knows how to dance.
  2. Nobody in the video knows how to lip sync.
  3. Nobody in the video (except for maybe Günther) is taking it seriously.
  4. A variety of women give up all dignity by singing backup to a Swedish guy that wants his Ding Dong touched.
The Ding Dong Song was no doubt something special, but did you know that he released an entire album that includes the same backups as before? I'm unfortunately not joking, you can buy it. Amazon sells a motherfucking album called "Pleasureman".

Some of the reviews posted on Amazon tell us what this album is about:
Whereas Aquarium was awesome because of its infectious tunes and bad lyrics, Pleasureman is awesome because of its infectious tunes and atrocious lyrics. The music you'll find when you pick up this album is so ridiculously catchy, it's not funny.
Comparing an album to something created by Aqua already drastically reduces any intrinsic quality left in the music. Unfortunately for me, that was not convincing enough so I acquired a copy through legitimate means.

Equally unfortunate for me, the worst song on the album is not the Ding Dong song, but the song for which the album is named, "Pleasure Man". Here are some lyrics to demonstrate:
I'm your pleasure man uh huh
You will be my fan hmm hmm

I come to you in the night
With my shining party
**In my Ferrari
Gain the way in for me
I can try a dance... No romance

You come with glitter and glam
No no kiss a lips
Darling please show what you can
I'm your pleasureman

Wham bam baby bam bam
Give me all your lovin
Give me hanky panky
O o oooh
Wham bam baby bam bam
Working hard for money
You're my honey bunny
Wham bam bam
You know the last scene in the Wicker Man where Sergeant Neil Howie screamed "JESUS NO!" upon sight of the Wicker Man? This is the only other occasion where screaming that phrase, in that tone of voice is appropriate. Not even an oncoming bullet train as you are tied to the tracks is a more appropriate venue to scream "JESUS CHRIST, NO!"

Perhaps you were hoping for an uplifting end to this article, unfortunately, you're not getting it because there is already a dedicated fan base for Günther. GuntherFans.com outlines Günther's mission in this world:
Günther is a 29 year old swedish musician (real name Mats Söderlund), and is sometimes referred to as "Gunther Levi." He is now the most respected person in the world. When he's not working on his sexual-revolution Günther is also a club owner, and a former model. He first started his musical career in 2004 - catching attention for his mullet, moustache and facial expressions.
A sexual revolution. I retain no doubt that Pleasureman stood in a Günther's Mein Kampf to the world, a framework for a New World Order to have everybody fucking all at once so Günther can march in and take over the world with his legion of date-rapists. With nobody to stand in his way, he will proceed to use his Blitzkrieg strategy to overcome anybody that didn't become outrageously horny from his pants-spraying music. His two new songs demonstrate his confident strategy:


This plan borders somewhere between Hitler and Cobra Commander in terms of practicality. I have to say that getting everybody to fuck each other is better than killing everybody that you don't like and screaming "COBRAAAAAAAAA!" at any oncoming enemies. As chilling as this is, turning the UN into the agency that determines safety words for BDSM might actually work for this goal-oriented Swede.

Behold the face of the leader of the WTF (World Taken by Fucking) movement!

Fuck. Shit.

03 August 2007

Metal Gear Solid 2 not making sense?

I enjoyed MGS2, but not all people did. One big reason is it makes absolutely no sense. It felt somewhat... awkward playing it because of this and made objectives really fuzzy.

However, somebody actually spent some time and analyzed the plot in such a way that it might make the game more enjoyable that second, third, or 97th time through.


Via Kotaku.