09 August 2007

The "Ding Dong Phenomedong"

You remember that time that you put on that fake moustache and that mullet wig and said, "look at me! I'm a *douche bag*?" Somehow somebody created a professional career out of looking like a douche bag.

A few years back, EBaum's World, aka "the biggest, stealing piece of shit on the Internet," posted a music video created by a man calling himself "Günther". This man was equipped with aviator sunglasses, a mullet and the worst mustache (not even a "moustache") I had ever seen. I consciously remember throwing up a bit in my mouth when I saw his pixelated, naked ass emerge from a pile of nude women. All I could see was mustache, glasses and mullet. I tried to close the window and only minimized it.

One has to understand that while most sex songs are meant to be legitimate "get-down and fuck music" other songs are so ridiculous that you have to wonder if the song writer created the song just to embarrass people.

The "Ding Dong Song" is one such case. It was a fine specimen at that. The childish innuendos used to describe Günther's penis could not be taken seriously. I brought the window back up and almost cried laughing at how terrible the rest of the video is. Specifically, these highlights:
  1. Nobody in the video knows how to dance.
  2. Nobody in the video knows how to lip sync.
  3. Nobody in the video (except for maybe Günther) is taking it seriously.
  4. A variety of women give up all dignity by singing backup to a Swedish guy that wants his Ding Dong touched.
The Ding Dong Song was no doubt something special, but did you know that he released an entire album that includes the same backups as before? I'm unfortunately not joking, you can buy it. Amazon sells a motherfucking album called "Pleasureman".

Some of the reviews posted on Amazon tell us what this album is about:
Whereas Aquarium was awesome because of its infectious tunes and bad lyrics, Pleasureman is awesome because of its infectious tunes and atrocious lyrics. The music you'll find when you pick up this album is so ridiculously catchy, it's not funny.
Comparing an album to something created by Aqua already drastically reduces any intrinsic quality left in the music. Unfortunately for me, that was not convincing enough so I acquired a copy through legitimate means.

Equally unfortunate for me, the worst song on the album is not the Ding Dong song, but the song for which the album is named, "Pleasure Man". Here are some lyrics to demonstrate:
I'm your pleasure man uh huh
You will be my fan hmm hmm

I come to you in the night
With my shining party
**In my Ferrari
Gain the way in for me
I can try a dance... No romance

You come with glitter and glam
No no kiss a lips
Darling please show what you can
I'm your pleasureman

Wham bam baby bam bam
Give me all your lovin
Give me hanky panky
O o oooh
Wham bam baby bam bam
Working hard for money
You're my honey bunny
Wham bam bam
You know the last scene in the Wicker Man where Sergeant Neil Howie screamed "JESUS NO!" upon sight of the Wicker Man? This is the only other occasion where screaming that phrase, in that tone of voice is appropriate. Not even an oncoming bullet train as you are tied to the tracks is a more appropriate venue to scream "JESUS CHRIST, NO!"

Perhaps you were hoping for an uplifting end to this article, unfortunately, you're not getting it because there is already a dedicated fan base for Günther. GuntherFans.com outlines Günther's mission in this world:
Günther is a 29 year old swedish musician (real name Mats Söderlund), and is sometimes referred to as "Gunther Levi." He is now the most respected person in the world. When he's not working on his sexual-revolution Günther is also a club owner, and a former model. He first started his musical career in 2004 - catching attention for his mullet, moustache and facial expressions.
A sexual revolution. I retain no doubt that Pleasureman stood in a Günther's Mein Kampf to the world, a framework for a New World Order to have everybody fucking all at once so Günther can march in and take over the world with his legion of date-rapists. With nobody to stand in his way, he will proceed to use his Blitzkrieg strategy to overcome anybody that didn't become outrageously horny from his pants-spraying music. His two new songs demonstrate his confident strategy:


This plan borders somewhere between Hitler and Cobra Commander in terms of practicality. I have to say that getting everybody to fuck each other is better than killing everybody that you don't like and screaming "COBRAAAAAAAAA!" at any oncoming enemies. As chilling as this is, turning the UN into the agency that determines safety words for BDSM might actually work for this goal-oriented Swede.

Behold the face of the leader of the WTF (World Taken by Fucking) movement!

Fuck. Shit.

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