I have noticed an interesting phenomenon surrounding Halo 3. With it being easily the most over-hyped video game in existence (it had it's own flavor of Mountain Dew, for Christ's sake), the hype seems to continue right into the reviewing process--even after reviewers had to play the mother fucker!
Take a look at MetaCritic. Their reviews on Halo 3 are almost all perfect for the major game reviewing sites. Gamespot gave it a very pretentious 9.5 and some gaming magazines and periodicals gave it perfect scores (indicating they believe it is the perfect game above all others). However, if you scroll down to user reviews, you will notice that actual average, every day video game players think it stinks compared with everything else available on the 360, like the incredible Bioshock.
Now, I haven't played this game myself since I don't even own a 360, so you must take my word with a grain of salt, but it seems like the hype has somehow outlived playing the game. It's incredible that this is happening, since most game news sites are around specifically to buffer from fan boys. We are now seeing a turn around, the fan boys are now aware of their surroundings (!) and the game sites are earning lots'a revenue from advertising.
I am probably just paranoid, but I noticed that another game that barely came out had the opposite reaction: Quake Wars. I must warn you that I am a Quake fan boy, so I welcome all Quakes with open arms no matter how shitty they are (well... I didn't really buy into Quake 3 until some mods were firmly established). Game Spot was somewhat abusive towards the game. They gave it an 8.5 for a lack of voice chat and not liking the simplistic key bindings, something I'll really enjoy since I HATED binding keys in Battlefield 2. The users, however, rated the game the same or higher for how it played. It is the squad-based shooter that 2142 was supposed to be.
Before I can pass any further judgment on Halo 3, I will have to play it. However, I see it similar to the Penny-Arcade excerpt above. It's a chore I am putting off after buying a 360.
Some movies have excellent love scenes, like 300 (no shit), the Last Samurai, or Lost Highway. Then there are some movies that, unfortunately, have sex scenes. Don't get me wrong--I like a good love scene as much as the next guy, but some movies have just HORRIBLE sex scenes that ruined the movie. I decided that compiling a list of the worst sex scenes would let audiences know that, indeed, there is a reason for the fast-forward button on their remotes.
I began to research the subject and discovered the Post Register had already compiled a list of the top ten worst sex scenes. However, I noticed that there were some movies not even mentioned that had far worse love scenes! Not only that, but many of these were in fact cheesy romance movies, where an awful sex scene is to be expected. Such is not the case with the movies I watched...
So without further delay, the eight worst sex scenes ever:
NUMBER EIGHT:
The Matrix Reloaded
The Register was accurate in giving this spot a place on the list. There is a sex scene that boggles the mind. Ted--I mean Neo--gets it on with Trinity inside the Motel 6 of the future while a Cave Rave happens just outside their door. Ridiculous? Yes. Just not anymore ridiculous than the rest of the movie. I gave it number 8 because it was another one of those occasions where a director put something into a movie just to make sure it got an R-rating.
Thankfully, there is nothing terribly notable about the sex scene other than Bill is not present with a camcorder.
NUMBER SEVEN:
The Stand
Alright, it's not really a movie, but it was almost short enough to be counted as one. Anyway, even though this piece of shit was made for TV, they still forced in a sex scene. I know you might be scratching your head asking, "how is that possible?!" Quite frankly, they cut the naked-ness out and just left the bad-ness.
Uber villain, Randall Flagg, is getting ready to put the moves on character Nadine Cross. However, instead of foreplay, he decides turning into a monster would help set the mood.
Number SIX:
Killing Me Softly
Wow this movie blew. I could barely sit through it. MASSIVE piece of shit. Unlike other movies in this list, however, it didn't even need the awful sex scene to ruin this movie.
A young, attractive girl from the US named Alice (Heather Graham) moves to Britain and falls in love with a footy-loving gentleman. However, not ten minutes into the film, she has sex with a mountain-climbing douche bag named Adam (Joseph Fiennes). At the end of the movie, we discover Adam was also fucking his sister and his sister tries to kill Alice. (?)
Anyway, the awful sex scene entails Alice being choked with an incredibly long strip of silk, mid-coitus. The scene also took place on the grounds of his family's church. Not only that, but she narrates the experience to an overly-sober police inspector, along with other elements of her abusive relationship.
Fantastically crappy.
NUMBER FIVE:
Showgirls
I didn't watch the entire movie, so I cannot comment, but I did watch the scene below:
I laughed. I'm sorry, this scene is terrible, but it is mostly harmless. However, I also didn't have to sit through an entire crappy movie, so I may be biased. But, this may be one of the funniest, albeit least erotic, scenes ever caught on film. I can see why it earned number one on the Post Register's list of worst sex scenes.
NUMBER FOUR:
A History of Violence
The movie honestly looks good on the cover, so long as you are drunk/stupid/willing to believe anything. A former hitman (Viggo Mortensen) brings up his family in rural America. As a result, he gets it on with his late thirties wife (Maria Bello) while she wears a cheerleader outfit. They could have let it go there, but the former hitman decides that bowling his lady over onto the bed and viciously 69ing through the cheerleader outfit is a brilliant idea. And I mean viciously.
Then his son shoots Ed Harris on their front lawn.
NUMBER THREE:
Brokeback Mountain
I'm going to receive so much hate mail for this. But this firmly belongs in the middle of this list. It possesses certainly not the worst sex scene I have ever seen, but it is indeed awful. So, before I continue, I hold no biases or prejudices towards the LGBT community, just this movie.
This movie could have been about a forbidden romance between two sheep farmers that grew up and got jobs. In fact, that was what it was about when you read the back cover. However, they also felt it was necessary to depict the single worst sex scene that eclipses the entire movie. This single scene should be skipped from the movie if at all possible. I am not kidding you, it's terrible. In fact, you may want to even skip my synopsis.
About a half-hour into the movie, Heath Ledger and Jack Gyllenhaal escape to their single tent to escape the elements. A few seconds later. Heath Ledger rips Jack's pants off, bends him over, spits on his hand to grease his John Thomas up and then penetrates Jack anally. Hol-ee shit. They could have shown this scene through the side of the tent or something, but the romance runs for the hills when you see a cowboy spitting on his hand for lubrication.
The rest of the movie isn't bad at all, in fact, it is rather good. Just that one scene made me angry that somebody stabbed romance to death with an ice pick.
BONUS:
An even better concept than Brokeback Mountain's original premise:
What do you know?! Another movie that Ed Harris gets shot in!
The whole movie is... okay. All the Russians have English accents and Ed Harris is inexplicably German. But, they accurately portray the mythology that chases Vassiley Zaitsev (Jude Law), one of the best snipers that ever lived and what he did during World War 2. However, they decided that throwing in a sex scene between Vassiley and his female partner would be a good idea.
Now, you would think that this sex scene could have been done right. Two snipers, facing the yawning chasm of death decide that one last act of romance was all that they had left for each other. Instead, Zaitsev's partner (Rachel Weisz) gives up her virginity, squeezed tightly between two sleeping, old, fat Russian soldiers. Not only that, but Jude Law clamps his hand over her mouth while bumping and grinding. Rachel Weisz looks back with a horrified expression as he grits his teeth.
One of the least romantic pieces of shit ever caught on film. Somebody needs to jiggle the handle on this scene.
NUMBER ONE, the SHITTIEST romance scene of all time:
Blue Velvet
I am a big, fat, David Lynch fan. I love his movies as they so closely mirror what nightmares and lucid dreams are like. His most easily understood movie, Blue Velvet, is a nightmare. Frank Booth (Dennis Hopper) is a nightmarish mobster that, frankly, scares the shit out of most people.
This scene, the one above, is by far the most awful sex scene in any movie ever. The previous movies combined, in all of their crapitude, are an order of magnitude less crappy than the sex scene in this otherwise awesome movie. Watching Dennis Hopper shake for a few seconds, Blue Velvet muffling his own screams goes from terrifying, to funny, to WHY THE FUCK DID I RENT THIS FUCKING MOVIE YOU FUCKING FUCK FUCKERS!?
The only thing that makes this movie unique is that the rest of the movie is honestly awesome. Watching Beaver Cleaver jump head-first into a crime boss obsessed with S&M is mind-blowing. Unfortunately, David Lynch spares the audience no relief in making this movie, making it about as classy as dime-store pornography.
In all, watching these scenes has given me something to think about, something to look forward to. The day that I ask "is the love scene terrible?" of all movies.
Sometimes me and the other Shiznas will watch movies for entertainment purposes. It has become our goal to create a list of the top ten worst love scenes in movies and televisions ever witnessed by man. So far, we know that the movies Blue Velvet ("Mommy!") and Enemy at the Gates (sewers) are very high on our list. But, we need to know the ten worst sex scenes known to man.
To start out, we do have one resource to guide us, the Register. They put together a list of the worst sex scenes that they could possibly come up with and I have to admit, it is impressive. However, we noticed that our first two picks were not in the list, so we expect to put together an updated list with these movies in the next few weeks.
Years ago, me and my friends harassed people on Yahoo for the sake of our own entertainment. Think: To Catch a Predator gone postal. Doesn't matter who got in our way, we were teenage rhinoceroses of the Internet.
Thankfully, we got it all out of our system long before Yahoo started tracking IPs, so please, do not follow our sad example!
Also, note that the names have been changed to protect the identities of the people who already earned untold suffering at our hands. We also changed our own names to protect these same people so that there would be no way to trace these back so these folks (assholes or not) won't get harassed.
shitsnaz: I like you. poorbastard: no u dont fuckin liar shitsnaz: What the fuck did I lie about? shitsnaz: It is not my fault you enjoy boy bands. poorbastard: how much have u been cussin at me shitsnaz: Did I hurt your feelings? shitsnaz: HONK shitsnaz: HONK HONK I'M A GOOSE! poorbastard: i went into boy bands because i thought girls were here because i wanted to meet some
Let's see what happens when we have another Shitsnaz pose all Dateline stylee.
poorbastard: do u have a pic shitsnaz2: yeah poorbastard: can i see it shitsnaz2: did you get it i am fat huh poorbastard: u are the hottest girl i have ever seen shitsnaz2: no
Lollercoaster. I like how he says “man” to address the guy pretending to be a girl. So many layers of humor.
poorbastard: oh man will u be my internet girlfriend shitsnaz2: yeah sure poorbastard: cool man u are really the prettiest girl i have ever seen baby poorbastard: are ju there poorbastard: u* shitsnaz2: yeah i am talking to my friends poorbastard: WOW I LIKE YOUR NAME shitsnaz2: what shitsnaz2: ?? poorbastard: ITS JENNY RIGHT shitsnaz2: yeah poorbastard: YEAH I LIKE YOUR NAME poorbastard: TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT ME
I need that printed on a shirt: “TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT ME!”
poorbastard: WHAT FID THEY SAY shitsnaz2: nothing yet poorbastard: U ARE SO PRETTY shitsnaz2: they said you were KINKY poorbastard: OH U ARE TOO poorbastard: BABY shitsnaz2: yes i know poorbastard: COOL U HAVE A PRETTY FACE shitsnaz2: thanx poorbastard: I LOVE U
Jesus Christ.
shitsnaz2: what shitsnaz2: whats up with this dude shitsnaz: he is a chode shitsnaz2: He said, “I LOVE U” shitsnaz2: yeah i know shitsnaz2: he is canadian shitsnaz: that explains a lot
Somehow, I have to wonder if he was joking with the capslock key too.
shitsnaz2: what poorbastard: JOKIN I BEARLY KNOW U shitsnaz2: do you like sex shitsnaz2: i do poorbastard: DO U? shitsnaz2: yes poorbastard: ME TO
The action never stops on my end!
shitsnaz: SHIT! shitsnaz: dammit!
When I tried messaging our Poor Bastard, “Jenny” made me into all the woman anybody would ever need.
poorbastard: HE IS MEAN TO ME shitsnaz2: he is a she poorbastard: LWTS PRETEND poorbastard: LETS/ poorbastard: LETS PRETEND KNOW shitsnaz2: well lets get this started poorbastard: GO FIRST poorbastard: GO FIRST OK shitsnaz2: ok i slowly start to touch your foot long dick poorbastard: OK poorbastard: I HAve to go poorbastard: ok we will continue later shitsnaz2: why poorbastard: because i have work at 9 to 5 and i have to get ready poorbastard: ok bye poorbastard: baby shitsnaz2: fuck you later
Daaaaamn! You ever get an Internet dude to be pretendin' to be a chick, it's rude at so many levels to go to work after they touch your foot-long-dick over the webbernet. You just don't do it, YOU JUST DON'T DO IT! Besides, it was about 10:00 PM on a Saturday when we found this guy.
I had to have my rebuttal before he went to work. If I had to be a woman, hey, my friend could be a guy pretending to be a girl that is actually a guy.
shitsnaz: She said she wears the pants in the family poorbastard: what does that mean shitsnaz: that means that she has a weenie poorbastard: eww gross thats nasty? poorbastard: tell her not to talk to me if a chick has a weenie shitsnaz: Uh she kinda is a he shitsnaz: With a short hair cut poorbastard: ok well umm i will never talk to tjat girl again poorbastard: that** shitsnaz: oh because he is seriously busting up about you wanting his giney poorbastard: giney? shitsnaz: VAGINA poorbastard: groos alright you are gross bye poorbastard: g poorbastard: gg poorbastard: g poorbastard: g poorbastard: g poorbastard: g shitsnaz: I like sex poorbastard: gross shitsnaz: ONe last thing poorbastard: what shitsnaz: [Web address for the Goatse] shitsnaz: here is something to remember us by! poorbastard: thts gross u nasty ass bitch shitsnaz: I'm sorry don't hit me daddy! shitsnaz: Ok, I'm sorry here is the real picture poorbastard: u are both gross leave me alone
I came back with a different name, determined to have this fool abandon the net like he did the pet store when they left his cage open. I was a woman again.
tranny-shitsnaz: Jenny told me that Big Boss and Gray Fox wear the same pair of pants in the family poorbastard: wow thts surprising tranny-shitsnaz: me? poorbastard: what doe s that mean tranny-shitsnaz: Nothing she just babbles a lot poorbastard: ya i thought u would look like your sister tranny-shitsnaz: No I got into a car accident and had to get cosmetic surgery poorbastard: yeah right u serious tranny-shitsnaz: yeah, drunk tranny-shitsnaz: Do you think I'm fat? poorbastard: are u lien again poorbastard: tell the truth tranny-shitsnaz: No you don't think that's me? poorbastard: well u have tricked me before tranny-shitsnaz: Listen, if you're going to tell me that I'm not pretty enough I don't want to talk to you poorbastard: u are fine ok just thought u were jokin
I did the same thing to this guy about six times after this... I decided to cut the heartache out.
tranny-shitsnaz: Your mom's a Nazi! tranny-shitsnaz: And wears combat boots tranny-shitsnaz: you piece of dog shit! poorbastard: UM SEEMS LIKE YOURE THE MOTHER FUCKER SLUT BAG AND KEEP YOUR NASTY STORYS BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A SHIT tranny-shitsnaz: What the fuck is a slut bag? poorbastard: YOU tranny-shitsnaz: Is it like a douche or what? poorbastard: KIND OF
KIND OF would be another good shirt slogan.
poorbastard: OK NOW YOURE JUST BEING STUPID poorbastard: GET A FUCKING LIFE poorbastard: PLEASE AND LEAVE ME ALONE tranny-shitsnaz: Just admit it your feet stink. poorbastard: OK MY FEET STINK JUST ADMIT THAT YOURE A SLUT tranny-shitsnaz: No fair I said I was first poorbastard: OK SO WE AGREE THEN NOW GO SOMEWHERE tranny-shitsnaz: Noooooooo! tranny-shitsnaz: Mike. poorbastard: WHY YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO? WHO THE HELL IS MIKE?
Indeed, who is Mike? I managed to calm this guy down enough to have a little more fun. After all, it would be another 35 hours before he had to get to work. I also tried convincing him I had a sex-change operation to gain the affection of his father. That is an order of magnitude better than just screaming “mother fucker!” and closing the chat window.
poorbastard: SO U WERE JOKIN ABOUT THE WEENER and the surgery and stuff tranny-shitsnaz: I'll hug you it will be tranny-shitsnaz: fun tranny-shitsnaz: fun tranny-shitsnaz: fun tranny-shitsnaz: fun tranny-shitsnaz: fun tranny-shitsnaz: fuckstick tranny-shitsnaz: fun tranny-shitsnaz: fun tranny-shitsnaz: fun! tranny-shitsnaz: Yes I was joking! poorbastard: fuckstick or anything like that neans leave it tranny-shitsnaz: oh sorry tranny-shitsnaz: I wont do it any more tranny-shitsnaz: and just to clarify I can't say poorbastard: its ok so what do mu really look like tranny-shitsnaz: fuck shit cunt fuck master cock bitch clucker mother fucker? tranny-shitsnaz: hello you there? tranny-shitsnaz: 1 tranny-shitsnaz: 2 tranny-shitsnaz: 3 tranny-shitsnaz: 4 poorbastard: YES U KNOW THTA WAS NOT U NO MORE GROSS STUFF IF U SHOW ME SOMETHIN GROSS AGAIN I WILL NEVER TALK TO U AGAIN OK tranny-shitsnaz: He get's up again!
In the mean time, we found somebody that loves Nascar. The conversation was short-lived.
shitsnaz2: i am really a dude i got a cock nascarlover: OOO REALY shitsnaz2: yes yes nascarlover: YOU A SHEMALE
After our Poor Bastard blocked us, we decided to stop pretending to be female. It got too awkward. So, we hit up the Fundi-teen room!
Note: Shiznas are not theology scholars. In fact, I don't think we're really good at anything.
God-Rawks: nice name! shitsnaz: Are you canadian? God-Rawks: nope u? shitsnaz: no shitsnaz: does god rock? God-Rawks: GOD rocks my world!! God-Rawks: christian? shitsnaz: Huh no shitsnaz: Agnostic, that means I can't have babies.
We found she had no problem laughing at sexuality, but my one decent joke goes right over her head.
God-Rawks: interested in becoming a christian? shitsnaz: Maybe God-Rawks: awesome shitsnaz: no God-Rawks: no? shitsnaz: yes God-Rawks: what? shitsnaz: sorry God-Rawks: ur confusing me shitsnaz: what did you ask again?
PEOPLE HATE ME!
shitsnaz: what do I get for being a christian? God-Rawks: [You can go to Heaven.] shitsnaz: What? Why would anybody wanna go there then? God-Rawks: because whats in heaven is better than anything on earth u live forever with gods joy and mercy shitsnaz: but no sex God-Rawks: nope shitsnaz: do you go into heaven if you have sex? God-Rawks: sure shitsnaz: so why don't you get it there? God-Rawks: its just not part of heaven shitsnaz: so what is up there anyway? birthday party? Swedish massage? M&Ms what? God-Rawks: lol God-Rawks: what do u mean? shitsnaz: what is so great in heaven that I don't have here? shitsnaz: Is jesus black? God-Rawks: no hes not God-Rawks: lol shitsnaz: oh...
I continue asking about Jesus, even though I've drank beer with the guy.
(By the way, FYI: He can't do the wine-to-water thing anymore, but he's like a master of blowing people's minds. All talkin' crazy shit about things and stuff.)
shitsnaz: Is God a woman? God-Rawks: nope shitsnaz: So if he's the father of all earth who is the mother? shitsnaz: Does she live in heaven? God-Rawks: there is n mother God-Rawks: hehe God-Rawks: no shitsnaz: So how did he make earth? shitsnaz: Is the universe a massive toilet because that's the only thing I can think of. God-Rawks: lol God-Rawks: he just did
She invited it.
shitsnaz: You mean poo'd? shitsnaz: He Poo'd and looked down and said "I think I'll call that thing earth!" shitsnaz: It took him 7 days ya know God-Rawks: lol God-Rawks: ur funny shitsnaz: wanna join my cult? God-Rawks: what is it? shitsnaz: Cult of the men with shaved genitals. God-Rawks: wow thats interesting but im not a guy and no thanx shitsnaz: oh shitsnaz: there's only one entrance exam God-Rawks: lol God-Rawks: ok shitsnaz: aight, fill out this entry form- never mind I lost it in the paper shreader
When I push the envelope, I tend to use a bulldozer.
BUZZ!!! shitsnaz: MY PENIS IS ON FIRE! God-Rawks: ok? shitsnaz: sorry wrong window shitsnaz: Can I tell you something? God-Rawks: sure shitsnaz: it burns when I pee. God-Rawks: ok God-Rawks: sorry shitsnaz: yeah I was doing it on some dudes porch God-Rawks: lol God-Rawks: why were u peeing on someones porch? shitsnaz: Because he fizznatched my bizznatching shiznat off the shizzle dizzle fizzkcing fuzzle buzzle pizzle God-Rawks: oh shitsnaz: yeah I know God-Rawks: u forgot fohizzle shitsnaz: Mizzle toe
Nobody asks about my past anymore.
shitsnaz: My mom moved there with the four guys working in the taco truck on Main. shitsnaz: One of them has a pegleg with a kick stand God-Rawks: lol God-Rawks: cool beans shitsnaz: Don't fucking call them that they almost stabbed me when I said that God-Rawks: hey now whatch ur lanugage God-Rawks: ur talking to a lady shitsnaz: I am? God-Rawks: yep God-Rawks: what did u think i was a guy? shitsnaz: that never happens girls wont talk to me because of the warts God-Rawks: ewwwwwwww shitsnaz: yea it's hard to make money in this town
The only thing I did right when I was 16 is set aside my hard drive that had all of me and my friends' chat logs. I knew they would come in handy some day!
Smash-TV meets Harijuku: It would be the best video game ever.
Unfortunately, I don't believe this is the "appropriate" way to play this game. Looking at descriptions, it is an erotic Japanese video game that, for whatever bizarre reason, has conventions to whip, bat, and throw things at severely anime-ish school girls.
When I was in High School, it was before MySpace took off. Instead, the cool thing to do was to use instant messenger to network. Unfortunately me and the other shiznas didn't quite grasp the concept.
Shitsnaz: Is the universe a massive toilet because that's the only thing I can think of. godrocks: lol godrocks: he just did Shitsnaz: You mean poo'd? Shitsnaz: He Poo'd and looked down and said "I think I'll call that thing 'Earth'!" Shitsnaz: It took him 7 days ya know
I found a selection of chat logs that I will edit for content, non-comedic grammatical mistakes, the names and to make me look as good as possible.
An article by Medical News Today states that the suicide rate among teens (10-24) has been on the rise and was the highest jump in the last 15 years. No doubt Emos are to blame. This quote demonstrates this theory eloquently:
Dr. Keri Lubell, lead author of the study, said "It is important for parents, health care professionals, and educators to recognize the warning signs of suicide in youth. Parents and other caring adults should look for changes in youth such as talking about taking one's life, feeling sad or hopeless about the future. Also look for changes in eating or sleeping habits and even losing the desire to take part in favorite activities. [Another concern might be the wearing of tight pants, long, stupid hair cuts, and crying at one's own poetry.]"
Sounds like Emos to me.
Seriously, though. A rate increase such as this is only somewhat confounding. An extra two or three people per 100,000 is statistically significant, but creating a moral panic about this would be stupid. It's no different than saying that because Columbine happened in 1999 that violence in schools are on the rise. As we all know, violence in schools "declined" and then "dramatically rose" when he VA tech shootings happened. These suicides may not be isolated cases, but a spike is not continuous.
Now give me a longitudinal data-set that shows the suicide rate steadily rising and I'll call you the new Emile Durkheim. Link.
By the way, on the topic of a lack of updates; just remember that getting out of prison is much more difficult than getting in.
