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Ho Missiles and Light Saber Dicks

2009-06-02T21:24:00.001-07:00

I would do unspeakable things for this game.

Cave Story Vs. Klaus Nomi!

2009-05-18T23:25:00.000-07:00

You remember going to the KFC as a kid and filling your cup up with every flavor of soda and it tasting awful? That's kind of what happens any time there is ever a cross-over.

I can't believe I spent so much time on this.

Almost there...

2009-05-18T09:38:00.001-07:00

When I started this project, it seemed completely r-word-ed as f-word, but now it's really coming together!

I still have my reservations that anybody will want to get this, though...

Coming Soon: The Crossover NOBODY asked for!

2009-05-13T09:25:00.001-07:00

1 year with the Chumby. Verdict: Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

2009-04-30T15:11:00.001-07:00

I remember telling one of my coworkers about the Chumby for the first time:

"Dude, did I tell you I've got a Chumby?"

"A what?"

"You know, Chumby? Bean bag looking thing?"

He stared at me.

"Runs Linux?"

"That's fucking weird man. Don't talk about your chubby anymore."

Unfortunate name or not, Chumby does what its supposed to do and more, and I really have only a few complaints about it after a year of ownership, so I'll get those out of the way. The touch screen is not so great. You can poke it and it usually does what it is supposed to, but you're not going to be enjoying touchscreen games on this little device (though accelerometer games work great). It sometimes flakes out and requires a restart. This is very un-Linuxy and very disappointing. Finally, text entry is terrible (ties back to the "poking" problem above).

So what does it do well? I know this sounds weird, but for an alarm-clock-radio replacement with an Internet connection, this thing is deluxe. The way you can program alarms for different days well in advance is the Chumby's killer app, as far as I am concerned. The alarm feature couldn't really be any better, and its just awesome that you play any kind of digital audio you can think of (Internet radio, MP3s, iPod, and more!).

The Chumby's ability to dish out the Internet in bite-sized chunks is also nice. The Google News app works well, I like the Rotten Tomatoes widget the most since it can tell me about new movies right away, and the Flickr widget gives me something to look at in the morning when I'm trying to motivate myself to roll out of bed. It's also nice for when I'm going to sleep to listen to Soma.FM at a very low volume instead of having a laptop or some other wasteful device piping out music.

The hardware is also damn cool. I wish my laptop was covered in semi-plush pleather and had big spongey buttons and controls to do stupid things (not text entry--stupid things). The fact this thing is fully hackable immediately gives it a much longer service life than iPods even have, and I can see the community carrying this device on for many years to come.

Heck, I even like the menu. The menu, as the story goes, was designed by one of the UI folks who worked on one of Apple's System 7, and it does show. The buttons are intuitive and I never raised an eyebrow at the placement of any options (other than the button to open up SSH and other hacking features, but this makes sense from a consumer-protection standpoint).

Finally, above all the sunshine I've blown into the ass of my alarm clock, this is a device that gets better with age while not having to invest another dime in it. Smart phones have app stores and service contracts that cost lots of money while the Chumby continues to sit and be awesome.

Don't let the fact that this computer-clock-Internet-thing comes in a miniature laundry bag (which I still use to this day... most eco-friendly packaging ever) sway you. If you are thinking this would be a cool device to replace your alarm clock or want to give it as a gift, then do it. They are currently on sale with a $40 off coupon, bringing the price down to $169.99 with free shipping.

Link.

I always wondered what would happen...

2009-04-30T11:46:00.000-07:00

Somebody did it.

A friend and I always wondered what would happen if we rigged up one of those dumb flare guns from Wal-Mart with some fishing line and then pull the trigger from a distance loaded with bird shot. Apparently the little flare gun blows up!

Thanks Firearms Blog!

YAAAAGGGGHHHHH!

2009-04-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

Thank you Boing Boing!

Spaceman

2009-04-02T17:33:00.000-07:00

About that Bubblin' Crude...

2009-04-01T07:07:00.000-07:00

...came from the back of somebody's head.

Why YouTube exists: Let's Play Barbie and the Magical Pegasus--Wisdom Teeth edition!

2009-03-30T20:27:00.001-07:00

YES!

COLON MEDIC promotes COLON HEALTH!

2009-03-10T20:02:00.001-07:00

This picture is based off of the name of the sender in a bit of spam a coworker received. The ribbon looks kind of fucked up, but I really dig the look.

(Yeah, I kinda ripped his style off a bit from Cave Story.)

I'LL BE BACK! LAAAAYYYY-TEEEEERRRRRR!

2009-03-09T20:44:00.001-07:00

In other news...

2009-02-18T07:33:00.000-08:00

Somebody made GI Joe very dirty.

Took 'em long enough

2009-02-18T07:22:00.001-08:00

No More Heroes will still be the game to go down in Wii history as the first "Wii-jerk" game.

Thanks, Crunchgear!

Bo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wa

2009-02-13T07:52:00.001-08:00

I'll take double the BRAAAAAINS please.

2009-01-29T20:36:00.000-08:00

My Internet Wife.

2009-01-28T23:14:00.000-08:00

I don't usually doodle on paper since my hand is so unsteady. I use control-z at least as often as a mouse or stylus when drawing. Not having that option makes drawing seem a heck of a lot harder.

The joke (if you wanna call it that) comes from me insisting I have a wife on the Internet. She came to life on my notebook during a discussion in class that ended with a girl (who was neither my offline nor online wife) standing up and proclaiming, "you're all a bunch'a subjectivists!" and then slammed the door on her way out. It was amazing! I wanted to equate it with a big pile of M&Ms everyone was eating and one person saying, "you're all so selfish, give me the M&Ms!" but don't think it translates 100%.

That's Dirty!

2009-01-25T11:15:00.000-08:00

Thank you bOING bOING!

Sea Monster

2009-01-09T23:01:00.001-08:00

I remember seeing a whale for the first time. All I saw was huge, coming out of the water, shooting more water in the air, and then back down. I can see why sailors used to think they resembled the thing I drew here.

Trip Down Memory Lane: Police Quest: SWAT

2009-01-07T07:45:00.000-08:00

You probably don't remember this game unless you played a lot of PC games through the nineties. In fact, even if you did, you probably don't remember this game since it was basically a flop for Sierra who was essentially the Valve of the time (never mind Valve being a part of Sierra for the production of Half-Life 1). And being the Valve of the time meant remaking their best-selling titles over and over again. Valve makes a game about a scientist in a powersuit beating the snot out of aliens and Sierra made games about a king that had to save his kingdom from a wizard. A lesser known series of Sierra was Police Quest, a game about a policeman trying to save his city from a rapist. SWAT was the last game of the Police Quest series and also the most infuriating.

In this game, you're a guy who shoots paper targets over and over again until a flashing klaxon on the screen tells you you need to stop shooting at paper targets and go shoot an old lady or talk her out of her house. If the old lady shot you or herself, you had to go back to shooting paper targets until you were alive again or she came back to life as an old woman that refused negotiations to stop locking herself in her bathroom.

As you can tell the original charm in Police Quest is gone. What they replaced it with were live action actors running around on the screen and you were either supposed to talk to them or shoot them. To talk to them, you had to go through two menus to say something (as they are holding a gun to their own temple) or pull out your gun and shoot them (only one menu, I believe). And, if the old lady, fugitive, or terrorists shot you, you had to sit through the first few bars of Amazing Grace and watch yourself get buried. While this was deep and heartfelt the first time, the thirtieth time I had to wait for my Pentium I to cue up that god forsaken FMV... And, for the later missions, failure meant swapping one of the four CDs back for the first one (which was heavily scratched by my nine-year-old hands) to shoot some paper targets again.

I keep mentioning these paper targets, but one has to realize this was a very early attempt at shoveling game-play-lengthening material into a game so Sierra could hit their 20 hour mark or whatever was in vogue at the time. At least most tedious tasks in a game attempt to give you some reward or skill that is useful later in the game, but nooooope. In this game, all you were supposed to do was talk suspects out of killing themselves or shoot fast moving targets that shoot back with inhuman accuracy. Unfortunately, the paper targets neither moved quick nor were they talkative.

Now I know this was an early attempt to be a realistic simulation for being a SWAT officer, and for the effort, it at least deserves recognition, but if you're going to make a game into an occupational simulator, why not have Plumber's Quest: Roto-Rooter, where you have to spend hours at a time trying to figure out how to order things out of the McMaster-Carr catalog, or you could remake Leisure Suit Larry, but call the game "Leisure Suit Larry: Date Rapist" where you have to spend hours at a time calling up doctors to get prescriptions for rophynol until you strike poontang gold and have to run to your nearest singles bar to get a date? Or, here's another idea, "Blogger's Quest: Run-on Sentence!"

I got a Wacom Bamboo!

2009-01-05T23:36:00.000-08:00

Been a while.

I picked up a Wacom Bamboo. It really does perform rather well under Ubuntu 8.10, even if the function keys and scroll wheel don't work out of the box (mostly impossible for me to configure at this point since I need to hot swap my tablet and xorg doesn't like hot swapping). Having only used this tablet a bit, it seems like it is not as well suited as the mouse and keyboard for most tasks (i.e. the pen tool, boxes, ovals, and text), but DAMMIT it is awesome with the caligraphy tool. The above drawing took only a few minutes, and didn't turn out bad at all for a first attempt with the caligraphy tool to produce a complete drawing.

T-Rex Eats Fruit?!

2008-12-22T19:27:00.001-08:00

Saw this on a box of Albertson's brand Dinosaurs Fruit Snacks. The image was so awesome I had to rip it!

A Frenchman Lives Every Nintendo Fan Boy/Girl's Dream

2008-12-06T10:21:00.000-08:00

MARIO KART (REMI GAILLARD)
by nqtv

Gary Busey is on You Tube

2008-10-22T20:56:00.001-07:00

He's doing You Tube cameos now. I wonder if I could get him in one of our videos? He might not kill me and my entire family, so it can't be that bad of an idea!

MGS4: Final boss and foreplay.

2008-10-10T20:36:00.000-07:00

First time I saw this, I was finishing off the game in Boss Extreme (still stupid that time too). I strongly considered mailing Hideo Kojima a used condom.

The Biggest Dick Ever

2008-09-30T23:09:00.000-07:00

Angel Called "Satan"

2008-07-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

I wish I knew where this clip came from. It's whole-heartedly unsettling but I can't take my eyes away!

Edit:
The clip is actually an adaptation of a story Mark Twain didn't quite finish called "The Mysterious Stranger." Have a look here.

-Thanks Potatofriend!

Metal Gear Solid 4 is Shit

2008-07-26T21:57:00.000-07:00

Metal Gear Solid 4 is one of the biggest pieces of shit I've ever played. I've played many pieces of shit, but MGS4 represents a new industry standard for shit. You could call it stealth shit since nobody seems to have caught on as to just how utterly shitty this shit is. Straight up shit.

Anyway, I started getting furious at this game after the first mandatory (and irrelevant) cutscene at the beginning that emulated a television--complete with live actors. This would have been fun and all, but you couldn't skip it after it got boring. I'm still furious at this game even now as I write this review while the credits are rolling. As I'm considering the problems the makers faced in producing a game they had to have known made no sense and was dull to play, I have to consider the problems of reviewing a blockbuster title like MGS4. One of the problems with an MGS4 review is critics are afraid to reveal plot elements others would consider spoilers (Konami seemed to be paranoid about this as well with their NDA). I ask: "Is it possible to spoil shit?" I suppose spoiled shit is something everyone wants to avoid, but I'm willing to risk it and spoil as much of the plot as necessary to dissuade you from this crap-shoot.

The original Metal Gear Solid is one of the best games ever made and should be the example title of the series which all other Metal Gears are compared with. By combining stealth, fast-paced action, and a plot that carries the game instead of tripping it, MGS landed a spot as one of my all-time personal favorites. Every one of those things is missing in this game, making it difficult to forgive and even more difficult to play.

The real problem with MGS4 starts right from the very beginning with that non-skippable tee-vee cutscene I mentioned earlier. Cutscenes strangle this game with pointless explanations to fill in the plot holes of earlier games. I'll use my shit metaphor again since all the plot holes are filled with the same substance--"nanomachines"--which could also just as easily be called "shit". As in, "you can't kill me as long as I have this shit running through my veins," or, "Liquid is going to take over the world using third generation shit," or even, "use this syringe to suppress the shit causing your seizures." Quite literally, the micro-robots central to this plot could be replaced with poop. Let's also not forget the confusing acronyms this game loves so dearly and frequently abuse in a love-hate relationship, or LHR for short.

I really want to do an in-depth plot analysis to pick apart the shittiness, but the game is frankly undeserving of it. So, I'll just gloss over the points that feel like pungee sticks jammed into my ear-holes. First, there is the little issue of Raiden being like the third or fourth cyborg ninja in this game series. Hideo Kojima has made a habit of taking the same game he made in 1998 and repackaging it over and over again. The same is certainly true for the plot, so I should not be surprised, but it makes me wonder if in the Metal Gear universe nobody buries any bodies since they tend to come back as cyborgs, clones, or simply for the hell of it like in the case of Big Boss making an appearance at the end just so he can drop dead again after hugging the same son who earlier burned him to death with hairspray and before that blew him up with a rocket launcher.

Some who read my opinions on this game might see me as a numskull for "not getting" why Kojima has made the same game over and over again and consider it brilliance to have so many traced parallels between the games, but I think the problem is those individuals are the ones who don't get it and should go play Megaman to appreciate the ultimate brilliance of making the same game over and over again about 20 times. At least they will have more fun playing Megaman than sitting and watching Snake and Otacon's little girl they re-kidnapped make eggs that Snake won't eat. All the Metal Gear games tend to have conflicting explanations about things like Big Boss's age, how many times he has died, etc. so it baffles me each time Kojima presents a long explanation about shit nobody cares about and wrests control of the game away from you so he can sleep comfortably at night knowing, "they finally know why I'm the Voice of God in my game." (Check the credits on that one if you don't believe me.)

There is also the issue of Drebin, a wholeheartedly unnecessary character if it weren't for the fact he had an armored car that popped up every time Kojima wrote himself into a corner that nanomachines couldn't get him out of. Drebin could have just as easily been replaced with the nameless merchant from Resident Evil 4 and not had to deliver lengthy codec conversations explaining why a bitch in a robot suit was crazy. All the characters are afflicted with giving lengthy explanations for questions nobody in the game even bothered to ask. By the time they are done speaking, I may have gotten a sandwich, shopped for some music off of Amazon, or skipped the cutscene entirely because I ran out of sandwich meat and/or money.

Let's not forget Meryl and Johnny, either. Remember the dude in MGS1 who Meryl beat up, stole his clothes, and then for the rest of his life he had crippling diarrhea? Well they got married right after Johnny confessed his love to her while they were shooting girl-ninjas armed with machineguns. There was a flashback of Johnny's censored asshole and him doing CPR on her. I watched the cutscene and couldn't believe anybody was taking this shit seriously. The whole scene felt awkward because I didn't know if it was supposed to be funny or if Kojima actually thought this was the best way for Meryl to get hitched. Either way the cutscene took easily 20 minutes and was glad it was over so I could get back to Snake being fisted in the ass by an army of three-armed robots (quite possibly the stupidest enemy in any Konami game ever).

I'm starting to rant a bit about characters, so I suppose it is time I drop the show stopper for this game nobody else seems to have picked up on. Snake is fantastically old and was told he had only a few months left to live, a theme which should be core to the game. His health and status deteriorate rapidly through the game and, for the first time, you can see just how badly Snake suffers during a mission. I felt highly sympathetic towards him through most of the game and my heart sank during a dumb little codec conversation where Otacon asked Snake for a number you were supposed to remember. Since I inhaled paint fumes out of boredom while playing this game I forgot it within a second of Otacon telling me the number and I had to watch Snake come to grips with not even being able to remember a simple 5-digit number for a few seconds. Another scene that felt very heavy was when Snake told a joke that fell flat during a mission briefing and having Meryl belittle him in a way that sounded like, "hush now grandpa, we need to figure out which rest home you're going to die in." There is also the scene where you have to button mash Snake's crusty old ass through a microwave oven so he can complete his mission to destroy a computer in a submarine.

I really felt for Snake and by the end had accepted that this was going to be his 'last mission' (at least in the front of my mind since in the back of my mind I had already watched the ending on YouTube the day after it came out). Snake was preparing to end his life since he was an old man with no legacy and now only a burden on the world. I worked hard for this moment so Snake could finally be at peace with himself. Then, in a move of surprise-cock-in-your-ass magnitude, Big Boss shows up and tells Snake not to kill himself and to instead live for a few more months and then die. It was especially disappointing since Big Boss usually only came back from the grave for a final boss fight, which the 80 or 90 year-old cock-block wouldn't even afford us. Perhaps that is the brighter side of things, but one long, dull cutscene at the end made all the rest of the heart-felt suffering in Snake's character irrelevant just the same way as when Rose went back to Raiden to raise their retard in a Donald Duck uniform because her marriage with Colonel was a lie.

It's like Kojima wrote the first 80% of the game and then a fan-fiction author finished the last 20% so all his dollies could live happily ever after. Perhaps you might think I'm too harsh as there are many other games with far worse plots. For a convenient, comparable example you could take your pick of the Resident Evil series and it will be written far worse than even this shit-fest, but I don't recall ever having to sit through a cutscene longer than a few minutes in any of the Resident Evils and the plot never took itself anymore seriously than it needed too thanks to cheesy dialog. I suppose dumb plot-devices and lengthy cutscenes could be forgiven if MGS4 actually had some fun gameplay, but Hideo Kojima was more interested in making a crappy movie than a game.

My list of complaints for the gameplay is short since there is relatively so little gameplay compared to the time spent sitting through cutscenes. The gameplay felt like Splinter Cell with more guns, far fewer shadows, and much stupider guards. The laughable AI in MGS2 is every bit as competent as the AI in MGS4, which is cruelly ironic since the ultimate villain in this game is actually an AI. There were no entertaining boss fights, sneaking just flat out doesn't work, and they also did away with the in-depth first-aid and camo system that made MGS3 so innovative. I just stopped sneaking at one point and had more fun walking around killing both sides of the PMC/rebel conflicts. Those conflicts were easily the most dull parts of the game since the rebels tended to ignore you and the PMCs would stop fighting their dumb little war to chase after you if they saw you. The first time a PMC saw me, stopped shooting at the rebels and then called for radio backup because, "the enemy is here," I though it had been a glitch. No, it seems to be just the way the ass-backwards AI works in this game, so I made it my mission to kill everything the AI controls in this game and really stopped giving a shit about Metal Gears and nano-machines.

There were a few exceptions to this rule of shit gameplay, but not many. The Metal Gear Ray vs. Metal Gear Rex battle was almost fun but so isolated from the rest of the game it felt like something out of Wario Ware, which is dreadfully disappointing since the game is called "Metal Gear Solid 4," and I anticipated an epic Metal Gear battle at the end like I had been treated to in all but the original Metal Gear for the NES, but instead quickly killed off Ray and then went right on not giving a shit about the patriots or my dead brother's arm who had possessed a Russian cowboy. The final showdown with Liquid had a similar vibe except I realized I had done that same boss fight ten years ago in the original MGS. And then there was the flash-back to Shadow Moses where snake was young and the graphics were polygonal, I was actually having fun until I realized I could have turned off MGS4, went to a game store, bought MGS1 and played that instead and had a lot more fun. The free camera and array of practically indistinguishable weapons made MGS4 feel painfully dull compared with the snappy and simple gameplay of the original MGS. In MGS4, after you get a shotgun you've pretty much won the game as I killed practically all the bosses using one. In fact, the biggest challenge I faced in the game was making Snake do what I wanted him to. The controls were confusing and felt like standard FPS controls pulled through the eye of a needle--if that makes sense. There were so many occasions where I saw an easy kill but it was already too late to make the kill when I finally got Snake pointed in the right direction with the sights up. Other than that inconvenience I had absolutely no fear of the game winning. You can get hit a bazillion times and stay standing so long as you had your rations equipped and not one of the enemies posed that great of a threat. The Gekko were simple to take down and the Frogs more annoying than anything else. In fact, on my first run through I only had to continue 7 times and at least two of those were because I fell off one ledge or another during a crappy camera angle.

Considering the way games like Resident Evil 4 forever changed third-person shooters, MGS4 made only vague attempts to learn from that game since none of the enemies were terribly interesting in MGS4, which is also the best way to describe MGS4: "Not terribly interesting." This could be called a game for fans, but I consider myself a big fan of Metal Gear and I think this game is precisely shit. I know there are a lot of fans who adore this game and consider it the best out of the series, so good for them, but if you're the kind of person who buys a game to play it, enjoy it, and not to use as reference material for your compendium of Metal Gear trivia, then stay the fuck away from this shit.

PABST BLUE RIBBON!

2008-07-09T21:15:00.000-07:00

Do I really need to explain this video?

:-*

2008-07-02T00:45:00.001-07:00

AGAIN AND AGAIN!

JILL SANDWICH!

2008-06-27T00:27:00.000-07:00

Sooooo I started playing the original Resident Evil on the DS and really like it. Same cheesy cut-scenes from the Play Station and awful voice-acting make it fucking hilarious to play. Cacpcom also integrated a bunch of DS-specific mini-games that make the puzzles a bit more interactive than feeling like zombie-themed Microsoft solitaire.

Also, the game is worth playing just so you can hear Barrie mention the JILL SANDWICH! I drew this picture to properly illustrate what happens during a JILL SANDWICH! so you can avoid/pursue JILL SANDWICH!

...

JILL SANDWICH!

A blob makes a very bad UNIX life decision.

2008-06-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

Though I made this drawing in Inkscape, colored, and added a few things I cannot take credit as the original author of this high-larry-us comic. My boss found it on StumbleUpon and could not track down the URL. Still, I wanted to trace and color this comic.

*If you're the original creator, email me!

Can't say I have

2008-06-15T16:04:00.001-07:00

I'd assume it would hurt. A lot.

No video yet

2008-06-12T00:23:00.000-07:00

I took my .44 out yesterday (it was mightily delicious! Loud, accurate, and the most fun I've ever had shooting any gun) but neglected to bring my video camera. I will have to shoot some video of this hand-cannon firing during my next adventure. Until then, John Locke will fucking kill you:

Got a New Toy

2008-06-09T00:55:00.000-07:00

I got this last week and plan to take it out in the next few days. It's a Lew Horton M29-5 .44 magnum. It's probably 20 years old, but looks brand new. I am slightly nervous to shoot it, but it's the same kind of nerve you get when driving a really, really nice car. However, what's the point of owning a Bentley if you can't drive it yourself? I not only own this gun, but I'll shoot it.

Video later this week.

3 things I want to get out of the way...

2008-05-30T21:47:00.001-07:00

Fuck wine.

Fuck Canadian Mist

Last of all... DOUBLE fuck Skyy...

Honey Moon

2008-05-25T20:28:00.001-07:00

Do you like summer ales? I know I do. A beer you can open up, drink directly from the bottle on a hot day is a good thing. That's what surprises me about Honey Moon, from the people who brought you Blue Moon. It's a citrusy summer ale that tastes close to Blue Moon, but doesn't require the orange and the glass to fully enjoy.

Enjoy some outdoors, enjoy some brew.

I made a pitcher...

2008-05-25T17:54:00.000-07:00

...thanks to this blog!

Google drank too much.

2008-05-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

I don't think Image Labeler helps a whole hell of a lot in cases like gle>ooooooooooG.

clint eastwood

2008-05-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

He's a bit of a cunt, but we all love him.

Hopefully he won't die soon.

Foucault is the one reason people hate France.

2008-04-19T15:15:00.000-07:00

Look at him.
Don't you hate him?

(Shiznas will return in May.)

Oh SHI-

2008-03-19T19:10:00.001-07:00

It still is.

BANANA!

2008-03-19T19:08:00.000-07:00

It is.

PBR, king of (cheap) beers

2008-03-05T18:41:00.001-08:00

I figured it was about time to honor one of my staple beers, I do enjoy a few cans of PBR when the mood hits. So, I drew up an advertisement for what I think of when I think of PBR. I know it isn't 1:1 of how PBR is s'posed to look, but this is what I see when I look in my fridge... ice cubes and condensation in the air. My fridge is also dark.

Okay, maybe I drew this thing up in class instead of listening to my prof, sue me.

Cave Story

2008-02-28T06:51:00.000-08:00

Do you enjoy classic video games? Do you enjoy crack cocaine? You may enjoy Cave Story.

I used to be a died-in-the-wool Megaman fan and considered it the ultimate platformer, but Cave Story has turned my world view on its head. The game was designed by a single Japanese designer over the course of five years and the level of perfection in gameplay is clearly visible.

The problem is this game is addictive as hell. Speed runs are actually fun and there is a single, controlled level that is tailored for doing speed runs (example provided in the video by a VERY talented player).

Check out Play This Thing for details about how you can install an English language version.

Now why the sudden expressed interest? We-e-e-ell... You'll see in the next few weeks. But here is a hint about why I am so interested in it:

So a naked guy with a horse's head walks into a bar...

2008-02-22T16:06:00.000-08:00

HEY Y'ALL! I OWN THE FAT TIRE BIKE!

2008-02-20T21:23:00.001-08:00

Click on the above image to read about it. Why? Well I own the Fat Tire bike, of course.

Close second to the best thing ever.

2008-02-09T19:34:00.000-08:00

Via boingboing.net.

NEWS FLASH!

King of Assholes is being delayed due to technical difficulties. Linux is so unforgiving when it comes to dubbing sound into a video clip. However, there appears to be hope in the OpenMovieEditor project.

Best Thing Ever... (Again?)

2008-01-26T10:19:00.000-08:00

For those that have played RE4... you will know that this is how the game should have really turned out.

MAH BOIIII!

2008-01-24T11:00:00.000-08:00

This is the only purpose I could find for a iSight camera. This overlay should be included in Photo Booth by default.

(Psst! King of Drunk Assholes is ripped to pieces on the cutting room floor. It may not be some day. It will always be shit, however.)

Airsoft: Fo' Realz this time

2008-01-10T18:12:00.000-08:00

It looks like Airsoft will happen at the PASS on the 12th of this month of January. Click on the SHOOP DA WOOP to fire ur lazer or to alternately discuss the game.

An orange...

2007-12-27T22:46:00.000-08:00

...fit for the Goatse to eat.

Yes, I own this horrifying orange. It may have cracked the lens of the camera that was used. I know I felt a cold wind when I turned my back on this hideous bastard.

If you don't get the joke about the layout or goatse, you can still save yourself by never looking at the internet again.

OMGZ I MADE A WAYB SITE!

Poop Round-up

2007-12-17T14:08:00.000-08:00

"Poop" as a keyword on YouTube yields the best videos on the entire web-site. Proof:

Phoenix Wrong

2007-12-16T23:23:00.001-08:00

I haven't played Phoenix Wright yet, but I hope with every ounce of my being that it is even remotely like this.

ssssssssssss!

2007-12-15T15:26:00.001-08:00

Brought to you by the GIMP

Fuck you Dinosaur! FUCK YOU!

2007-12-05T18:01:00.000-08:00

Somebody thoroughly abuses a robot dinosaur.

Click the picture if you like abusing dinosaurs.

WTF?

2007-12-02T21:55:00.000-08:00

This shit still doesn't make sense after drinking absurd amounts of Tecate.

Last Meme(s) of the Night

2007-11-25T18:45:00.000-08:00

I'M FIRIN' MY LAZER!

2007-11-24T19:54:00.001-08:00

Airsoft.
Possible.
December.
First.
Details.
Later.

UPS=Urinal-Poop Service

2007-11-21T19:52:00.000-08:00

Holy damn and hell do I hate UPS. I hate UPS so bad I might staple my nut sack to my face so I don't have to look at my tracking page any longer. For those of you not personally acquainted with me or have no reason to hate UPS, here is how they left something else big and brown, besides a truck, in my life:

On November 12th, I decided it was finally time to buy a Chumby. You know, that cute internet TV device that everyone should be talking about. I forked over my ~$180.00 and started waiting... and waiting... and waiting. By the 16th (when it originally should have been delivered), I checked the tracking page and nearly had a coronary. My Chumby had made two fucking trips across the Pacific Ocean. Two. Not one. Two.

At that point, it was in Kentucky. Kentucky would now become the primary place of residence for my computer-in-a-laundry-bag. By the end of that day, it had finally made a trip to Salt Lake City. I thought my worries were over. Then it went back to Kentucky.

I gave UPS's Kentuckites the benefit of the doubt. "It must have been a logistic error in customs. I'll bet it hasn't left yet." On the nineteenth, it got an arrival scan in Salt Lake City. I was relieved that I would receive my Chumby soon.

Then it went back to Ken-fuck-me again.

It went back to Salt Lake.

It went to Kentucky to get it's snow-plow on again. (Four (4) times, for those not counting.)

Needless to say, I was so pissed I started urinating all over my desk and everything around me in a ferocious rage. I was screaming shit like, "QUIT PLAYING LONG-DISTANCE KEEP-AWAY WITH MY CHUMBY! YOU ASS HOLES!" It was a titanic mess.

After being released from police custody for assaulting a tree with a golf club (the tree dropped the charges), I called up UPS to see why they wouldn't give me my damn toy. The representative assured me, "I am pleased to inform you, Mr. Alex, that your package has not been lost."

That is verbatim what they said. Mister Alex. That would have pissed me off, but I like the sound of Mister Alex. It's an excellent porno-actor or else pro-wrestler name. But, that's beside the point. I explained that I would not go to Kentucky once, let alone four times, but they seemed unsympathetic. They told me to call them back once it said "ARRIVAL SCAN" at Kentucky so they could catch it and put it on a truck to my house instead of, you know, Vancouver.

So, distraught, I called up the people at Chumby. I spoke with a very helpful gentleman (who, unfortunately, did not address me as Mr. Alex) who said that he would put a trace on my package so they could file a claim once my Chumby was in Fiji and get me a new, less cosmopolitan Chumby.

UPS comes to your house and shits all over your expectations when you ask for that thing that you ordered.

Don't believe me? Well here's a link to my package's tracking page.

Update:

:(

I have to wonder what else is missing/illegible/eaten/exploded.

Update #2:

Chumby has arrived in all of its Chumbalicious glory. The Kentuckites treated it quite well, not a cut, scratch or scrape on its soft exterior. In a way I am surprised that my Chumby wasn't on fire when it arrived. Pleasantly surprised. However, under the circumstances, I still have to recommend UPS as a parcel service if you feel the need for some shit to go down in your life.

The Chumby itself? It's amazing. If you are a geek or even half a geek, you need to own one. It is just such a neat little gimmick that can occasionally be used for practical purposes, that you can't avoid touching it, shaking it or doing other unspeakable things to its plush exterior. I will try and cobble together a complete review on it, but one can already guess the outcome:

:D

Separated at Birth?

2007-11-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween, mother fuckers.

Observation #1

2007-11-01T14:18:00.001-07:00

I enjoy Tecate because:

1. It's the only decent thing that comes in a 6-ring anymore and I fucking hate seals.
2. It looks like I'm drinking a can of Coca-Cola from a distance.
3. It's in, like, every grocery store on the face of the Earth.
4. You can make fun of wealthy Corona n00bs.
5. It's the only thing that says "Hencho en Mexico" that probably wasn't produced in a sweat shop.

FACT!

If Depeche Mode was from Mexico, they would probably drink it too, since Depeche Mode is so god damn awesome that nobody likes them because they are so jealous of how fucking incredible Depeche Mode is.

Non-sequitur post brought to you by the Advocates for Tasty-Beverage Council.

Updates at Gunner Airsoft

2007-10-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

Gunner Airsoft, motherpage of all things cheap and airsoft, has a shit-load of shittastic shit added to their shitty (just kidding!) catalog:

A cheapy AKS-74 made by D-Boys at a very affordable $80.00. Link.

A fugly X-47 that would make an excellent loaner for how ugly it is. Link.

An AIMS carbine with very little additional info. Link.

AKSU handguard for us VFC-lovin' folks. Link.

Not really Russian, but we love our shotguns; an uber-cheap Marushin Mossberg rip-off. Link.

We're thrilled that Russian kit is becoming so popular now. I remember spending more than $600.00 on a Guarder kit to turn my Marui AK into something more modern.

Gunner Airsoft.

The Shiznas Discover Google Trends

2007-10-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

Google Trends is much, much more awesome than Google Fights ever was.

Ireland seems to get more Irish every day.

Jesse James

2007-10-13T09:28:00.000-07:00

Wow. In terms of the bad karma all the shiznas put together will receiver, this incident beats out anything we've done. If our instant-messaging follies were the Spanish-American War, this was the Holocaust:

...Janna knows this guy named Jesse, and she thinks he and Audrey would get along. She “introduces” them online, and they hit it off. Jesse is an amazing dude, a volunteer fireman, a cowboy, a tortured poet, a man with a past. He has an ex-wife he speaks of fondly, and a son. He lives on a ranch with llamas. He’s got posttraumatic stress disorder from having been in New York on 9/11. He knew some of the firemen who died, or something. An exceptional man. He and Audrey just click, in that special way we all hope can happen someday.

This article is by far the most interesting example of the shear terror of the reality of online "hook-ups" I have ever read. Best of all, I guess the writer of a History of Violence suffered from bad-movie-karma and decided to write this fantastic article up.

I'll let it speak for itself:

Link, via BoingBoing

Wheeeee!

2007-10-13T07:18:00.001-07:00

There is something adorable about an Armalite that was born this stupid looking. The shear impracticality of a gun like this puts JG's Folding Stock AK Beta to shame.

From RedWolf Airsoft:

G&P Stubby Killer
A wonderful CQB weapon - that's what this G&P Stubby Killer is! It features their latest Stubby Front End Set, which helps keep the length down to 550mm. The HK416 Type Fixed Stock allows a large battery to be used and the SPR Grip is pretty comfortable (for right-handed people). Another recent product of G&P's also features on this gun - the Zombie Killer Metal Body. The body features skull logos on both sides, with "Pray", "Psalm" and "Asperges" where safe, semi and full are normally seen. It also features a quote from the Bible: "Then he called his twelve disciples together, and gave them power and authority over all devils, and to cure diseases".

Link.

Why MySims Might be the Most Important Game for the Wii for 2007

2007-10-05T17:38:00.001-07:00

MySims is fun. That's the best way to summarize this game, you can spend hours just fucking around and having a blast while doing it. It isn't at all like the rest of the Sims series where you spend hours cleaning your virtual house (yawn). Somehow, building houses for your incredibly friendly and adorable neighbors made this game from the Sims series fun. I also like how they completely side-step the annoying economy of the other Sims games and approach this as a sort of utopian post-scarcity situation, if you're willing to put that much depth into a game where blowing bubbles with your neighbors is critical. If you want a full review, I don't think there is a better review than the one by Games Radar found here. This review has some different observations no other reviewer has covered as of yet.

Like I said, the game is adorable, cute and fun for a broad audience--not your Game Spy variety of gamers who spend most of their time raiding or in clan battles. This is a game for any demographic that just carries itself marvelously on the Wii.

So, why does everybody think it's only mediocre? Look at MetaCritic, they gave it a 71. Basically a C- when you figure it that way; just average-Joe video game. Granted, MetaCritic is usually hard on games since there is such a wide-variety of places they get reviews from, and most game sites cater to the expectations of the hard core gaming crowd that gets bored with Nintendo's usual fare.

But... that's not what is shocking. This review is what threw me out of my chair:

My final analysis is this: if you love creating things and have lots of patience, MySims is worth a look, but if you're hoping for a cute virtual neighborhood to inhabit, "Animal Crossing: Wild World" is a better place to settle. [Nov 2007, p.100]

That excerpt is from Nintendo Power. That's right, Nintendo's propaganda mill that shits out positive reviews of otherwise cruddy games and gives over the top reviews for games that are good, but not orgasmic (i.e. Metroid Prime: Corruptions).

This normally wouldn't add up, but the last sentence says it all. Nintendo's in-house Sim game, Animal Crossing, is their recommended alternative. Frankly, after playing Animal Crossing and Harvest Moon, I thought they were acceptable time wasters, but the Sims makes me laugh when I spend time playing it. Note the fact I am spending not wasting time.

What's this mean? That is what I don't fully understand. But I think that Nintendo has not been as accommodating to third-party developers as they could have been. Call of Duty 3, Splinter Cell 4, Alien Syndrome; these were all marvelous games on other consoles but are absolute crap on the Wii. Meanwhile, Zelda, Metroid and Super Paper Mario were all very good and also scored almost perfectly in Nintendo Power, as one should predict.

Another example of this is Nintendo made sure they had the first online games for their console, to get their hands on a captive market of Wii owners wanting to play online. So far, the only online title in the works from a third-party is Medal of Honor while Nintendo has already released many and plans to release many more.

MySims is the first third-party title that has surpassed anything Nintendo has in that genre and is simply marvelous. It is so awesome that it could easily be the biggest Nintendo game of the holiday season, and I have a feeling that is a big problem for Nintendo. Now that everybody and their dog wants a Wii, they seem to be trying to own the market for themselves to increase sale of in-house development.

If this is the case, Nintendo has already lost the console war. This new console war is not about over-the-top productions like Gears of War or Metal Gear Solid 4--those games will be in the twenty-dollar bin after a while. No, it is independent developers that will carry the systems this time around. Xbox Arcade is building in popularity and there are some awesome games going up. Microsoft knows this and has no problem with it, which will make the 360 a success. Nintendo and Sony are playing the market the way they did in the nineties.

I'm really sad that Nintendo isn't seeing the potential for Indy developers. Their SDKs are being offered up dirt cheap and they have a competent digital delivery system based off of Opera. Everything is there to let indy games and third-party, bigger developers like EA, Ubisoft and many others take off on the system, but Nintendo is just being a bastard about this whole thing.

I really hope Nintendo does a 180 after the holiday season.

Halo 3 is the Best Game EVAR (unless you played it)

2007-10-01T08:23:00.000-07:00

I have noticed an interesting phenomenon surrounding Halo 3. With it being easily the most over-hyped video game in existence (it had it's own flavor of Mountain Dew, for Christ's sake), the hype seems to continue right into the reviewing process--even after reviewers had to play the mother fucker!

Take a look at MetaCritic. Their reviews on Halo 3 are almost all perfect for the major game reviewing sites. Gamespot gave it a very pretentious 9.5 and some gaming magazines and periodicals gave it perfect scores (indicating they believe it is the perfect game above all others). However, if you scroll down to user reviews, you will notice that actual average, every day video game players think it stinks compared with everything else available on the 360, like the incredible Bioshock.

Now, I haven't played this game myself since I don't even own a 360, so you must take my word with a grain of salt, but it seems like the hype has somehow outlived playing the game. It's incredible that this is happening, since most game news sites are around specifically to buffer from fan boys. We are now seeing a turn around, the fan boys are now aware of their surroundings (!) and the game sites are earning lots'a revenue from advertising.

I am probably just paranoid, but I noticed that another game that barely came out had the opposite reaction: Quake Wars. I must warn you that I am a Quake fan boy, so I welcome all Quakes with open arms no matter how shitty they are (well... I didn't really buy into Quake 3 until some mods were firmly established). Game Spot was somewhat abusive towards the game. They gave it an 8.5 for a lack of voice chat and not liking the simplistic key bindings, something I'll really enjoy since I HATED binding keys in Battlefield 2. The users, however, rated the game the same or higher for how it played. It is the squad-based shooter that 2142 was supposed to be.

Before I can pass any further judgment on Halo 3, I will have to play it. However, I see it similar to the Penny-Arcade excerpt above. It's a chore I am putting off after buying a 360.

Worst Sex Scenes Known to Man!

2007-09-29T07:05:00.000-07:00

Some movies have excellent love scenes, like 300 (no shit), the Last Samurai, or Lost Highway. Then there are some movies that, unfortunately, have sex scenes. Don't get me wrong--I like a good love scene as much as the next guy, but some movies have just HORRIBLE sex scenes that ruined the movie. I decided that compiling a list of the worst sex scenes would let audiences know that, indeed, there is a reason for the fast-forward button on their remotes.

I began to research the subject and discovered the Post Register had already compiled a list of the top ten worst sex scenes. However, I noticed that there were some movies not even mentioned that had far worse love scenes! Not only that, but many of these were in fact cheesy romance movies, where an awful sex scene is to be expected. Such is not the case with the movies I watched...

So without further delay, the eight worst sex scenes ever:

NUMBER EIGHT:

The Matrix Reloaded

The Register was accurate in giving this spot a place on the list. There is a sex scene that boggles the mind. Ted--I mean Neo--gets it on with Trinity inside the Motel 6 of the future while a Cave Rave happens just outside their door. Ridiculous? Yes. Just not anymore ridiculous than the rest of the movie. I gave it number 8 because it was another one of those occasions where a director put something into a movie just to make sure it got an R-rating.

Thankfully, there is nothing terribly notable about the sex scene other than Bill is not present with a camcorder.

NUMBER SEVEN:

The Stand

Alright, it's not really a movie, but it was almost short enough to be counted as one. Anyway, even though this piece of shit was made for TV, they still forced in a sex scene. I know you might be scratching your head asking, "how is that possible?!" Quite frankly, they cut the naked-ness out and just left the bad-ness.

Uber villain, Randall Flagg, is getting ready to put the moves on character Nadine Cross. However, instead of foreplay, he decides turning into a monster would help set the mood.

Number SIX:

Killing Me Softly

Wow this movie blew. I could barely sit through it. MASSIVE piece of shit. Unlike other movies in this list, however, it didn't even need the awful sex scene to ruin this movie.

A young, attractive girl from the US named Alice (Heather Graham) moves to Britain and falls in love with a footy-loving gentleman. However, not ten minutes into the film, she has sex with a mountain-climbing douche bag named Adam (Joseph Fiennes). At the end of the movie, we discover Adam was also fucking his sister and his sister tries to kill Alice. (?)

Anyway, the awful sex scene entails Alice being choked with an incredibly long strip of silk, mid-coitus. The scene also took place on the grounds of his family's church. Not only that, but she narrates the experience to an overly-sober police inspector, along with other elements of her abusive relationship.

Fantastically crappy.

NUMBER FIVE:

Showgirls

I didn't watch the entire movie, so I cannot comment, but I did watch the scene below:

Replay video | Share video | Watch more videos

I laughed. I'm sorry, this scene is terrible, but it is mostly harmless. However, I also didn't have to sit through an entire crappy movie, so I may be biased. But, this may be one of the funniest, albeit least erotic, scenes ever caught on film. I can see why it earned number one on the Post Register's list of worst sex scenes.

NUMBER FOUR:

A History of Violence

The movie honestly looks good on the cover, so long as you are drunk/stupid/willing to believe anything. A former hitman (Viggo Mortensen) brings up his family in rural America. As a result, he gets it on with his late thirties wife (Maria Bello) while she wears a cheerleader outfit. They could have let it go there, but the former hitman decides that bowling his lady over onto the bed and viciously 69ing through the cheerleader outfit is a brilliant idea. And I mean viciously.

Then his son shoots Ed Harris on their front lawn.

NUMBER THREE:

Brokeback Mountain

I'm going to receive so much hate mail for this. But this firmly belongs in the middle of this list. It possesses certainly not the worst sex scene I have ever seen, but it is indeed awful. So, before I continue, I hold no biases or prejudices towards the LGBT community, just this movie.

This movie could have been about a forbidden romance between two sheep farmers that grew up and got jobs. In fact, that was what it was about when you read the back cover. However, they also felt it was necessary to depict the single worst sex scene that eclipses the entire movie. This single scene should be skipped from the movie if at all possible. I am not kidding you, it's terrible. In fact, you may want to even skip my synopsis.

About a half-hour into the movie, Heath Ledger and Jack Gyllenhaal escape to their single tent to escape the elements. A few seconds later. Heath Ledger rips Jack's pants off, bends him over, spits on his hand to grease his John Thomas up and then penetrates Jack anally. Hol-ee shit. They could have shown this scene through the side of the tent or something, but the romance runs for the hills when you see a cowboy spitting on his hand for lubrication.

The rest of the movie isn't bad at all, in fact, it is rather good. Just that one scene made me angry that somebody stabbed romance to death with an ice pick.

BONUS:

An even better concept than Brokeback Mountain's original premise:

Brokeback Mountain Parody.

NUMBER TWO:

Enemy at the Gates

What do you know?! Another movie that Ed Harris gets shot in!

The whole movie is... okay. All the Russians have English accents and Ed Harris is inexplicably German. But, they accurately portray the mythology that chases Vassiley Zaitsev (Jude Law), one of the best snipers that ever lived and what he did during World War 2. However, they decided that throwing in a sex scene between Vassiley and his female partner would be a good idea.

Now, you would think that this sex scene could have been done right. Two snipers, facing the yawning chasm of death decide that one last act of romance was all that they had left for each other. Instead, Zaitsev's partner (Rachel Weisz) gives up her virginity, squeezed tightly between two sleeping, old, fat Russian soldiers. Not only that, but Jude Law clamps his hand over her mouth while bumping and grinding. Rachel Weisz looks back with a horrified expression as he grits his teeth.

Rachel Weisz Sex Scene From "enemy At The Gates"

One of the least romantic pieces of shit ever caught on film. Somebody needs to jiggle the handle on this scene.

NUMBER ONE, the SHITTIEST romance scene of all time:

Blue Velvet

I am a big, fat, David Lynch fan. I love his movies as they so closely mirror what nightmares and lucid dreams are like. His most easily understood movie, Blue Velvet, is a nightmare. Frank Booth (Dennis Hopper) is a nightmarish mobster that, frankly, scares the shit out of most people.

This scene, the one above, is by far the most awful sex scene in any movie ever. The previous movies combined, in all of their crapitude, are an order of magnitude less crappy than the sex scene in this otherwise awesome movie. Watching Dennis Hopper shake for a few seconds, Blue Velvet muffling his own screams goes from terrifying, to funny, to WHY THE FUCK DID I RENT THIS FUCKING MOVIE YOU FUCKING FUCK FUCKERS!?

The only thing that makes this movie unique is that the rest of the movie is honestly awesome. Watching Beaver Cleaver jump head-first into a crime boss obsessed with S&M is mind-blowing. Unfortunately, David Lynch spares the audience no relief in making this movie, making it about as classy as dime-store pornography.

In all, watching these scenes has given me something to think about, something to look forward to. The day that I ask "is the love scene terrible?" of all movies.

Worst Love Scenes Known to Man

2007-09-15T19:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes me and the other Shiznas will watch movies for entertainment purposes. It has become our goal to create a list of the top ten worst love scenes in movies and televisions ever witnessed by man. So far, we know that the movies Blue Velvet ("Mommy!") and Enemy at the Gates (sewers) are very high on our list. But, we need to know the ten worst sex scenes known to man.

To start out, we do have one resource to guide us, the Register. They put together a list of the worst sex scenes that they could possibly come up with and I have to admit, it is impressive. However, we noticed that our first two picks were not in the list, so we expect to put together an updated list with these movies in the next few weeks.

Give us time--it's hard watching terrible movies.

BONUS! Worst sex scene in Achewood.

Dateline Ain't got Shit on us

2007-09-15T17:22:00.001-07:00

Years ago, me and my friends harassed people on Yahoo for the sake of our own entertainment. Think: To Catch a Predator gone postal. Doesn't matter who got in our way, we were teenage rhinoceroses of the Internet.

Thankfully, we got it all out of our system long before Yahoo started tracking IPs, so please, do not follow our sad example!

Also, note that the names have been changed to protect the identities of the people who already earned untold suffering at our hands. We also changed our own names to protect these same people so that there would be no way to trace these back so these folks (assholes or not) won't get harassed.

shitsnaz: I like you.
poorbastard: no u dont fuckin liar
shitsnaz: What the fuck did I lie about?
shitsnaz: It is not my fault you enjoy boy bands.
poorbastard: how much have u been cussin at me
shitsnaz: Did I hurt your feelings?
shitsnaz: HONK
shitsnaz: HONK HONK I'M A GOOSE!
poorbastard: i went into boy bands because i thought girls were here because i wanted to meet some

Let's see what happens when we have another Shitsnaz pose all Dateline stylee.

poorbastard: do u have a pic
shitsnaz2: yeah
poorbastard: can i see it
shitsnaz2: did you get it i am fat huh
poorbastard: u are the hottest girl i have ever seen
shitsnaz2: no

Lollercoaster. I like how he says “man” to address the guy pretending to be a girl. So many layers of humor.

poorbastard: oh man will u be my internet girlfriend
shitsnaz2: yeah sure
poorbastard: cool man u are really the prettiest girl i have ever seen baby
poorbastard: are ju there
poorbastard: u*
shitsnaz2: yeah i am talking to my friends
poorbastard: WOW I LIKE YOUR NAME
shitsnaz2: what
shitsnaz2: ??
poorbastard: ITS JENNY RIGHT
shitsnaz2: yeah
poorbastard: YEAH I LIKE YOUR NAME
poorbastard: TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT ME

I need that printed on a shirt: “TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT ME!”

poorbastard: WHAT FID THEY SAY
shitsnaz2: nothing yet
poorbastard: U ARE SO PRETTY
shitsnaz2: they said you were KINKY
poorbastard: OH U ARE TOO
poorbastard: BABY
shitsnaz2: yes i know
poorbastard: COOL U HAVE A PRETTY FACE
shitsnaz2: thanx
poorbastard: I LOVE U

Jesus Christ.

shitsnaz2: what
shitsnaz2: whats up with this dude
shitsnaz: he is a chode
shitsnaz2: He said, “I LOVE U”
shitsnaz2: yeah i know
shitsnaz2: he is canadian
shitsnaz: that explains a lot

Somehow, I have to wonder if he was joking with the capslock key too.

shitsnaz2: what
poorbastard: JOKIN I BEARLY KNOW U
shitsnaz2: do you like sex
shitsnaz2: i do
poorbastard: DO U?
shitsnaz2: yes
poorbastard: ME TO

The action never stops on my end!

shitsnaz: SHIT!
shitsnaz: dammit!

When I tried messaging our Poor Bastard, “Jenny” made me into all the woman anybody would ever need.

poorbastard: HE IS MEAN TO ME
shitsnaz2: he is a she
poorbastard: LWTS PRETEND
poorbastard: LETS/
poorbastard: LETS PRETEND KNOW
shitsnaz2: well lets get this started
poorbastard: GO FIRST
poorbastard: GO FIRST OK
shitsnaz2: ok i slowly start to touch your foot long dick
poorbastard: OK
poorbastard: I HAve to go
poorbastard: ok we will continue later
shitsnaz2: why
poorbastard: because i have work at 9 to 5 and i have to get ready
poorbastard: ok bye
poorbastard: baby
shitsnaz2: fuck you later

Daaaaamn! You ever get an Internet dude to be pretendin' to be a chick, it's rude at so many levels to go to work after they touch your foot-long-dick over the webbernet. You just don't do it, YOU JUST DON'T DO IT! Besides, it was about 10:00 PM on a Saturday when we found this guy.

I had to have my rebuttal before he went to work. If I had to be a woman, hey, my friend could be a guy pretending to be a girl that is actually a guy.

shitsnaz: She said she wears the pants in the family
poorbastard: what does that mean
shitsnaz: that means that she has a weenie
poorbastard: eww gross thats nasty?
poorbastard: tell her not to talk to me if a chick has a weenie
shitsnaz: Uh she kinda is a he
shitsnaz: With a short hair cut
poorbastard: ok well umm i will never talk to tjat girl again
poorbastard: that**
shitsnaz: oh because he is seriously busting up about you wanting his giney
poorbastard: giney?
shitsnaz: VAGINA
poorbastard: groos alright you are gross bye
poorbastard: g
poorbastard: gg
poorbastard: g
poorbastard: g
poorbastard: g
poorbastard: g
shitsnaz: I like sex
poorbastard: gross
shitsnaz: ONe last thing
poorbastard: what
shitsnaz: [Web address for the Goatse]
shitsnaz: here is something to remember us by!
poorbastard: thts gross u nasty ass bitch
shitsnaz: I'm sorry don't hit me daddy!
shitsnaz: Ok, I'm sorry here is the real picture
poorbastard: u are both gross leave me alone

I came back with a different name, determined to have this fool abandon the net like he did the pet store when they left his cage open. I was a woman again.

tranny-shitsnaz: Jenny told me that Big Boss and Gray Fox wear the same pair of pants in the family
poorbastard: wow thts surprising
tranny-shitsnaz: me?
poorbastard: what doe s that mean
tranny-shitsnaz: Nothing she just babbles a lot
poorbastard: ya i thought u would look like your sister
tranny-shitsnaz: No I got into a car accident and had to get cosmetic surgery
poorbastard: yeah right u serious
tranny-shitsnaz: yeah, drunk
tranny-shitsnaz: Do you think I'm fat?
poorbastard: are u lien again
poorbastard: tell the truth
tranny-shitsnaz: No you don't think that's me?
poorbastard: well u have tricked me before
tranny-shitsnaz: Listen, if you're going to tell me that I'm not pretty enough I don't want to talk to you
poorbastard: u are fine ok just thought u were jokin

I did the same thing to this guy about six times after this... I decided to cut the heartache out.

tranny-shitsnaz: Your mom's a Nazi!
tranny-shitsnaz: And wears combat boots
tranny-shitsnaz: you piece of dog shit!
poorbastard: UM SEEMS LIKE YOURE THE MOTHER FUCKER SLUT BAG AND KEEP YOUR NASTY STORYS BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A SHIT
tranny-shitsnaz: What the fuck is a slut bag?
poorbastard: YOU
tranny-shitsnaz: Is it like a douche or what?
poorbastard: KIND OF

KIND OF would be another good shirt slogan.

poorbastard: OK NOW YOURE JUST BEING STUPID
poorbastard: GET A FUCKING LIFE
poorbastard: PLEASE AND LEAVE ME ALONE
tranny-shitsnaz: Just admit it your feet stink.
poorbastard: OK MY FEET STINK JUST ADMIT THAT YOURE A SLUT
tranny-shitsnaz: No fair I said I was first
poorbastard: OK SO WE AGREE THEN NOW GO SOMEWHERE
tranny-shitsnaz: Noooooooo!
tranny-shitsnaz: Mike.
poorbastard: WHY YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO? WHO THE HELL IS MIKE?

Indeed, who is Mike? I managed to calm this guy down enough to have a little more fun. After all, it would be another 35 hours before he had to get to work. I also tried convincing him I had a sex-change operation to gain the affection of his father. That is an order of magnitude better than just screaming “mother fucker!” and closing the chat window.

poorbastard: SO U WERE JOKIN ABOUT THE WEENER and the surgery and stuff
tranny-shitsnaz: I'll hug you it will be
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fuckstick
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun
tranny-shitsnaz: fun!
tranny-shitsnaz: Yes I was joking!
poorbastard: fuckstick or anything like that neans leave it
tranny-shitsnaz: oh sorry
tranny-shitsnaz: I wont do it any more
tranny-shitsnaz: and just to clarify I can't say
poorbastard: its ok so what do mu really look like
tranny-shitsnaz: fuck shit cunt fuck master cock bitch clucker mother fucker?
tranny-shitsnaz: hello you there?
tranny-shitsnaz: 1
tranny-shitsnaz: 2
tranny-shitsnaz: 3
tranny-shitsnaz: 4
poorbastard: YES U KNOW THTA WAS NOT U NO MORE GROSS STUFF IF U SHOW ME SOMETHIN GROSS AGAIN I WILL NEVER TALK TO U AGAIN OK
tranny-shitsnaz: He get's up again!

In the mean time, we found somebody that loves Nascar. The conversation was short-lived.

shitsnaz2: i am really a dude i got a cock
nascarlover: OOO REALY
shitsnaz2: yes yes
nascarlover: YOU A SHEMALE

After our Poor Bastard blocked us, we decided to stop pretending to be female. It got too awkward. So, we hit up the Fundi-teen room!

Note: Shiznas are not theology scholars. In fact, I don't think we're really good at anything.

God-Rawks: nice name!
shitsnaz: Are you canadian?
God-Rawks: nope u?
shitsnaz: no
shitsnaz: does god rock?
God-Rawks: GOD rocks my world!!
God-Rawks: christian?
shitsnaz: Huh no
shitsnaz: Agnostic, that means I can't have babies.

We found she had no problem laughing at sexuality, but my one decent joke goes right over her head.

God-Rawks: interested in becoming a christian?
shitsnaz: Maybe
God-Rawks: awesome
shitsnaz: no
God-Rawks: no?
shitsnaz: yes
God-Rawks: what?
shitsnaz: sorry
God-Rawks: ur confusing me
shitsnaz: what did you ask again?

PEOPLE HATE ME!

shitsnaz: what do I get for being a christian?
God-Rawks: [You can go to Heaven.]
shitsnaz: What? Why would anybody wanna go there then?
God-Rawks: because whats in heaven is better than anything on earth u live forever with gods joy and mercy
shitsnaz: but no sex
God-Rawks: nope
shitsnaz: do you go into heaven if you have sex?
God-Rawks: sure
shitsnaz: so why don't you get it there?
God-Rawks: its just not part of heaven
shitsnaz: so what is up there anyway? birthday party? Swedish massage? M&Ms what?
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: what do u mean?
shitsnaz: what is so great in heaven that I don't have here?
shitsnaz: Is jesus black?
God-Rawks: no hes not
God-Rawks: lol
shitsnaz: oh...

I continue asking about Jesus, even though I've drank beer with the guy.

(By the way, FYI: He can't do the wine-to-water thing anymore, but he's like a master of blowing people's minds. All talkin' crazy shit about things and stuff.)

shitsnaz: Is God a woman?
God-Rawks: nope
shitsnaz: So if he's the father of all earth who is the mother?
shitsnaz: Does she live in heaven?
God-Rawks: there is n mother
God-Rawks: hehe
God-Rawks: no
shitsnaz: So how did he make earth?
shitsnaz: Is the universe a massive toilet because that's the only thing I can think of.
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: he just did

She invited it.

shitsnaz: You mean poo'd?
shitsnaz: He Poo'd and looked down and said "I think I'll call that thing earth!"
shitsnaz: It took him 7 days ya know
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: ur funny
shitsnaz: wanna join my cult?
God-Rawks: what is it?
shitsnaz: Cult of the men with shaved genitals.
God-Rawks: wow thats interesting but im not a guy and no thanx
shitsnaz: oh
shitsnaz: there's only one entrance exam
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: ok
shitsnaz: aight, fill out this entry form- never mind I lost it in the paper shreader

When I push the envelope, I tend to use a bulldozer.

BUZZ!!!
shitsnaz: MY PENIS IS ON FIRE!
God-Rawks: ok?
shitsnaz: sorry wrong window
shitsnaz: Can I tell you something?
God-Rawks: sure
shitsnaz: it burns when I pee.
God-Rawks: ok
God-Rawks: sorry
shitsnaz: yeah I was doing it on some dudes porch
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: why were u peeing on someones porch?
shitsnaz: Because he fizznatched my bizznatching shiznat off the shizzle dizzle fizzkcing fuzzle buzzle pizzle
God-Rawks: oh
shitsnaz: yeah I know
God-Rawks: u forgot fohizzle
shitsnaz: Mizzle toe

Nobody asks about my past anymore.

shitsnaz: My mom moved there with the four guys working in the taco truck on Main.
shitsnaz: One of them has a pegleg with a kick stand
God-Rawks: lol
God-Rawks: cool beans
shitsnaz: Don't fucking call them that they almost stabbed me when I said that
God-Rawks: hey now whatch ur lanugage
God-Rawks: ur talking to a lady
shitsnaz: I am?
God-Rawks: yep
God-Rawks: what did u think i was a guy?
shitsnaz: that never happens girls wont talk to me because of the warts
God-Rawks: ewwwwwwww
shitsnaz: yea it's hard to make money in this town

The only thing I did right when I was 16 is set aside my hard drive that had all of me and my friends' chat logs. I knew they would come in handy some day!

Potentially the Best Game Concept Ever

2007-09-11T08:26:00.001-07:00

Smash-TV meets Harijuku: It would be the best video game ever.

Unfortunately, I don't believe this is the "appropriate" way to play this game. Looking at descriptions, it is an erotic Japanese video game that, for whatever bizarre reason, has conventions to whip, bat, and throw things at severely anime-ish school girls.

Coming Soon: Worst Chat Logs Known to Man

2007-09-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

When I was in High School, it was before MySpace took off. Instead, the cool thing to do was to use instant messenger to network. Unfortunately me and the other shiznas didn't quite grasp the concept.

Shitsnaz: Is the universe a massive toilet because that's the only thing I can think of.
godrocks: lol
godrocks: he just did
Shitsnaz: You mean poo'd?
Shitsnaz: He Poo'd and looked down and said "I think I'll call that thing 'Earth'!"
Shitsnaz: It took him 7 days ya know

I found a selection of chat logs that I will edit for content, non-comedic grammatical mistakes, the names and to make me look as good as possible.

The Internet will never forgive us.

Suicide Rate Among Teens on the Rise: Emos to Blame

2007-09-07T16:38:00.000-07:00

An article by Medical News Today states that the suicide rate among teens (10-24) has been on the rise and was the highest jump in the last 15 years. No doubt Emos are to blame. This quote demonstrates this theory eloquently:

Dr. Keri Lubell, lead author of the study, said "It is important for parents, health care professionals, and educators to recognize the warning signs of suicide in youth. Parents and other caring adults should look for changes in youth such as talking about taking one's life, feeling sad or hopeless about the future. Also look for changes in eating or sleeping habits and even losing the desire to take part in favorite activities. [Another concern might be the wearing of tight pants, long, stupid hair cuts, and crying at one's own poetry.]"

Sounds like Emos to me.

Seriously, though. A rate increase such as this is only somewhat confounding. An extra two or three people per 100,000 is statistically significant, but creating a moral panic about this would be stupid. It's no different than saying that because Columbine happened in 1999 that violence in schools are on the rise. As we all know, violence in schools "declined" and then "dramatically rose" when he VA tech shootings happened. These suicides may not be isolated cases, but a spike is not continuous.

Now give me a longitudinal data-set that shows the suicide rate steadily rising and I'll call you the new Emile Durkheim.

Link.

By the way, on the topic of a lack of updates; just remember that getting out of prison is much more difficult than getting in.

I got to play with Apple's new Keyboard/iMac

2007-08-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

I am, no doubt, a bit of an Apple whore. My workplace uses Apples, I've got an iBook for when Linux pisses me off and I downright like the aesthetics and attention to detail Apple has placed into products. I'm such a fan of Apple products, I actually enjoy using a Mighty Mouse (GASP!). That's why I was delighted that my office at work had two Mac Pros and two of the new iMacs for me to play with earlier this week. I ripped open the boxes and got to work on these machines that were previously in the realm of "yeah right, maybe in a couple of *years*."

Since there are so many reviews of the Mac Pro out there, I'll keep it short. If you love tinkering on hardware, the Mac Pro offers expandability out the wazoo. You'll have a good time if you like your computer like a muscle car; huge, heavy, metal, powerful, impractical, and fun to work on.

As for the new iMacs? Whole different animal. Like their older, glossy white sisters, these beasts are darn near impossible to work on short of adding more RAM to the already crammed ram-bin (couldn't think of a better way to describe where the RAM is stored). So, that already hurts these computers in my book. Also, the aesthetics are not up to snuff, if you ask me. The best feature of the iMac, externally, is the glossy screen. I even adjusted to the black trim around the display that I hated initially. Even though the screen isn't LED back lit, it is still gorgeous. Other than that, the new iMac looks like a freaking iPod on the outside. The cheesy black plastic on the back made me frown and the aluminum has a lot of sharp corners. The new iMac is definitely a lot more aggressive, much less friendly looking computer, especially considering the first two iMacs were downright cute. So, in terms of aesthetics, the new iMac doesn't cut it for me. I like my Apples to be cute and my PC's surly and ornery.

Well, now that I have picked on the outside, I'll tell you about the inside. There is a much heavier duty ATI card in this machine than on previous iMacs, so Quartz operates like a million bucks compared to the Intel GMA 950 chipset iMacs that I am used to. Another nice feature is the iSight camera is much cleaner and has a higher frame rate than the one on my older iMac. I have to wonder if this isn't because my older iMac was the cheapest model from that generation. Nonetheless, even though it has some nice new internal hardware, you're paying for the same shit in a different case. So, if the new iMac body style and glossy screens don't do it for you, look at some third-party retailers to see if you can pick up a previous generation iMac for cheaper. Especially since this bugger only came with Tiger and the new version of iLife... that's right, no Leopard, just Tiger.

Lastly, the new keyboard has been a hot button for a lot of Apple geeks (get it? Hot button? I am so clever.). I spent a couple of hours typing on it and found that while it was reasonably comfortable to type on, it had enough problems that I decided to revert to my Apple Pro keyboard. For instance, this new keyboard is INCREDIBLY low. It sits so close to the desk that you should forget a wrist rest. The low profile made it difficult for me to type. Another issue is the buttons are all flat and the same level, exactly like the keys on a Mac Book. This really stinks for touch typing and I found I was fat fingering keys all the time. The buttons are so nondescript when touching them, even compared to my relatively flat Sony Vaio. Also, the distance your fingers travel when depressing a key is really short. I heard many people complain that Mac Books were really uncomfortable to type on because of this, especially if you hammer keys like I do.

However, the new keyboard does have it's merits. For one, the two USB ports are USB 2.0 and provide power! So, hooking up a flash drive works perfectly with the new keyboard. So long as your flash drive isn't too fat and ends up lifting your keyboard up on that side. Also, the keyboard his highly responsive thanks to it being USB 2.0 and Apple having some solid drivers to go with it. Another neat hack that Apple did with the keyboard is that the media keys are tied directly to iTunes. So, you can change tracks without actually having to call iTunes up! Lastly, there is also the fact that because all of the keys on the keyboard are covered, you're very unlikely to get shit stuck between the keys like on the Pro keyboards. You could practically use the keyboard to hold up your PB&J sandwich and not have crums fall to a translucent bottom for the world to see. So, Apple earned points for finally fixing that flaw with their keyboards.

While the new iMac wasn't a disappointment, just the same iMacs from before repackaged with a couple of updates, the keyboard was the biggest disappointment for me. Apple had a VERY aesthetically pleasing product with their new keyboard and a lot of technology in the little sucker but it failed to deliver due to ergonomics. I realize I am very demanding of the keyboards I use, and I doubt I will ever like a keyboard until I get my hands on a Model M, but Apple is really slipping, especially in comparison to Logitech and Microsoft who are producing just awesome keyboards now. I really hope Apple keeps producing the Apple Pro Keyboard, or I'm going to have to switch to Logitech in the future.

Final word? Buy the last revision of iMac if you are still in the market for one. That, or wait for the next revision, something you should do with most Apple products anyway.

Alice, the Snorg Tees Girl, naked pics!

2007-08-09T09:57:00.001-07:00

I fucking hate you people.

The "Ding Dong Phenomedong"

2007-08-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

You remember that time that you put on that fake moustache and that mullet wig and said, "look at me! I'm a *douche bag*?" Somehow somebody created a professional career out of looking like a douche bag.

A few years back, EBaum's World, aka "the biggest, stealing piece of shit on the Internet," posted a music video created by a man calling himself "Günther". This man was equipped with aviator sunglasses, a mullet and the worst mustache (not even a "moustache") I had ever seen. I consciously remember throwing up a bit in my mouth when I saw his pixelated, naked ass emerge from a pile of nude women. All I could see was mustache, glasses and mullet. I tried to close the window and only minimized it.

One has to understand that while most sex songs are meant to be legitimate "get-down and fuck music" other songs are so ridiculous that you have to wonder if the song writer created the song just to embarrass people.

The "Ding Dong Song" is one such case. It was a fine specimen at that. The childish innuendos used to describe Günther's penis could not be taken seriously. I brought the window back up and almost cried laughing at how terrible the rest of the video is. Specifically, these highlights:

Nobody in the video knows how to dance.
Nobody in the video knows how to lip sync.
Nobody in the video (except for maybe Günther) is taking it seriously.
A variety of women give up all dignity by singing backup to a Swedish guy that wants his Ding Dong touched.

The Ding Dong Song was no doubt something special, but did you know that he released an entire album that includes the same backups as before? I'm unfortunately not joking, you can buy it. Amazon sells a motherfucking album called "Pleasureman".

Some of the reviews posted on Amazon tell us what this album is about:

Whereas Aquarium was awesome because of its infectious tunes and bad lyrics, Pleasureman is awesome because of its infectious tunes and atrocious lyrics. The music you'll find when you pick up this album is so ridiculously catchy, it's not funny.

Comparing an album to something created by Aqua already drastically reduces any intrinsic quality left in the music. Unfortunately for me, that was not convincing enough so I acquired a copy through legitimate means.

Equally unfortunate for me, the worst song on the album is not the Ding Dong song, but the song for which the album is named, "Pleasure Man". Here are some lyrics to demonstrate:

I'm your pleasure man uh huh
You will be my fan hmm hmm

I come to you in the night
With my shining party
**In my Ferrari
Gain the way in for me
I can try a dance... No romance

You come with glitter and glam
No no kiss a lips
Darling please show what you can
I'm your pleasureman

Wham bam baby bam bam
Give me all your lovin
Give me hanky panky
O o oooh
Wham bam baby bam bam
Working hard for money
You're my honey bunny
Wham bam bam

You know the last scene in the Wicker Man where Sergeant Neil Howie screamed "JESUS NO!" upon sight of the Wicker Man? This is the only other occasion where screaming that phrase, in that tone of voice is appropriate. Not even an oncoming bullet train as you are tied to the tracks is a more appropriate venue to scream "JESUS CHRIST, NO!"

Perhaps you were hoping for an uplifting end to this article, unfortunately, you're not getting it because there is already a dedicated fan base for Günther. GuntherFans.com outlines Günther's mission in this world:

Günther is a 29 year old swedish musician (real name Mats Söderlund), and is sometimes referred to as "Gunther Levi." He is now the most respected person in the world. When he's not working on his sexual-revolution Günther is also a club owner, and a former model. He first started his musical career in 2004 - catching attention for his mullet, moustache and facial expressions.

A sexual revolution. I retain no doubt that Pleasureman stood in a Günther's Mein Kampf to the world, a framework for a New World Order to have everybody fucking all at once so Günther can march in and take over the world with his legion of date-rapists. With nobody to stand in his way, he will proceed to use his Blitzkrieg strategy to overcome anybody that didn't become outrageously horny from his pants-spraying music. His two new songs demonstrate his confident strategy:

Obsession.mp3
MyBoudoir.mp3

This plan borders somewhere between Hitler and Cobra Commander in terms of practicality. I have to say that getting everybody to fuck each other is better than killing everybody that you don't like and screaming "COBRAAAAAAAAA!" at any oncoming enemies. As chilling as this is, turning the UN into the agency that determines safety words for BDSM might actually work for this goal-oriented Swede.

Behold the face of the leader of the WTF (World Taken by Fucking) movement!

Fuck. Shit.

Metal Gear Solid 2 not making sense?

2007-08-03T08:13:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed MGS2, but not all people did. One big reason is it makes absolutely no sense. It felt somewhat... awkward playing it because of this and made objectives really fuzzy.

However, somebody actually spent some time and analyzed the plot in such a way that it might make the game more enjoyable that second, third, or 97th time through.

Link.

Via Kotaku.

US Army gets robot idea from shitty movie.

2007-07-31T18:40:00.000-07:00

The Army is not the place one should look to for practical innovation. In fact, it's been the object of unbridled ridicule in the past. What I read today only goes to show that not only is the Army out of ideas, but they've reached the bottom of the barrel of where to steal ideas from.

2007, a story surfaces about a robot with a machine gun mounted to its chassis preparing to be deployed in Iraq. A few people made jokes about terminator, a few more realized that mounting the ever-shitty M249 SAW to an RC car is the biggest waste of tax dollars imaginable, and then there was me that saw the true intent of this project... project "SWORDS".

1995, the movie "Evolver" is released to the public. This piece of shit is about a robot that goes crazy and kills people so it can win at laser tag. At one point, the two protagaonists/high school students of the movie break into a military research facility (!) and watch a video about a top-secret government project for a futuristic military robot. It was called project "SWORDS".

The two acronyms and purposes of the robots are plain to see. It's painfully obvious to me that the Army stays up late and flips back and forth between demiporn on Cinemax and the horrible movies on USA. I can only imagine a researcher dropping his can of "Da Beast" to realize that, yes, there *has* to be a project SWORDS and a killer robot.

One should realize that I am not calling Army engineers "stupid", I'm just saying they're unoriginal. That's why they will likely study from the mistakes of the robot in the movie Evolver and create a more adequate killer robot.

1995: Evolver is based off of a video game robot and as such behaves like Arnold Schwarzenegger if Johnny Five is Jerry Lewis. Evolver is equipped with a number of weapons such as an inexplicably pain-inducing laser and a foam-ball shooter. Another feature is that it is anthromorphic from the waist up. However, it's obvious that the designers of the robot in the movie said "fuck it, it doesn't need legs" and gave it treads instead of trying to figure out bipedalism.
2007: The US Army commissions ARDEC and Robotic System-Joint Project Office to produce more robots for the SWORDS program. Instead of a foam-ball shooter and a potentially annoying laser weapon, the robot is equipped with an M249 SAW. Given a robot can't clean a gun that fouls very easily, I can see why some people are skeptical of the Army's new toy. Driving your damn RC car back to home base to clean or reload it has to be humiliating. I would almost rather mount the laser to it and just piss off insurgents. So, in this case, it seems like the Army dropped the ball in comparison as they could not mount a duty worthy gun to it and were too damn lazy to include a torso and the voice of William Macy.

1995: Given that one of the protagonists is not female and a nerd, he decides to instruct the robot to go on a panty raid into the girl's locker room at his local higschool. The robot takes refuge in a laundry basket full of the girls' undergarments and begins observing the slew of silicone-breasted girls. Evolver blows its cover with an innuendo pulled from its battle-oriented vocabulary which pisses of one of the many topless, athletic girls into revelaing herself enough to push the laundry-cart-with-a-robot-in-it out the swinging backdoor of the locker room. Six hours later, the robot kills somebody.

2007: The Army realizes that horny robots are practically useless. So, they put a human operator behind the controls. This was a bad idea on their part as demonstrated in this link.

1995: The robot "evolves" after getting its ass kicked again. It's laser can now set stuff on fire and it decides steak knives make the best munition for its foam ball shooter after figuring out that ball bearings are not as good at fucking shit up.

2007: The US Army determines that an evolving robot is, frankly, a stupid idea. Especially since it would probably get blown up anyway by a gym bag packed with C4 so actual personnell wouldn't have to.

1995: One of the skeptically attractive girls from high school falls in love with the painfully horny leading man-boy. They break into a military research facility (wtf?) and view a video that explains the origins of the SWORDS project to build a robot that kills people. It should be noted that it uses an extremely annoying laser to kill people.

2007: The Army, not wanting to face the humiliation of teenagers breaking into a research facility, throw out the concept to every nerd on the internet to jack off to. The Army did itself a favor.

1995: Evolver imprisons the mother and daughter of the show with a curling iron that shoots out eight or so lasers around its prisoners. The laser has the power of setting teddy bears on fire and making bath robes burst into flames.

2007: Shiznas.com, asked the Army for a comment on any laser-jail capabilities of this new robot. In a prepared statement by Captain J. Whillakers of the Army Corps. of Engineers, he said, "... the Army has no intent on using the robot to take prisoners... ...it is designed for high-risk combat situations. Besides, a laser prison is just gay."

1995: The protagonist finally destroys the robot by pushing its fat ass into the swimming pool. Top-heavy robots are prone to falling into things, especially swimming pools.

2007: There are no swimming pools in Iraq.

Even with its failures, the Army's new robot will no doubt be used in the US's occupation and probably save some lives as insurgents laugh at the implausability of the robot and even take turns riding it to see who can stay on the "infidelbot" the longest.

Link to the Army's shitty robot

Link to the shitty movie "Evolver"

Sabayon 3.4A is out and about

2007-07-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

More old news, but Sabayon 3.4 was just released... and I still haven't installed my favorite OS of all time. Ran into the following problems:

I couldn't find a high-speed method of downloading the ISO, so I ran it through bit torrent for four days. Even with encryption, my ISP cracks down on any kinds of uploads.

I'm out of bread, so I couldn't buy a high-speed download or a burned DVD.

After getting the ISO, my DVD burner completely died.

My new DVD burner is an HP DVD Writer 300c... These are notoriously bad because they require drivers (windows only) to burn disks. Even K3B can't convince my burner it's capable of burning something.

I'm out of bread, so I can't buy a new burner.

I decided to use my lappy's burner, so I tried moving the ISOs I downloaded to an external hard drive.

Discovered those disks (with important backups already on them) don't like files over 4 gigs. I can't reformat it, and I can't beat it.

Using my XBox as an FTP server to be a middle man to play "file leapfrog" onto my laptop to burn the ISOs.

I'm out of bread, so I can't buy any ammo to shoot myself with.

Seriously, I am anticipating the hell out of playing with this new release. It looks like all kinds of fun and I can't wait to try out the new version of X and especially VMWare under Windows.

Torrents:

x86-32 version here.

x86-64 version here.

Rockin' the Whiskey Dick

2007-07-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

It's a few days old, but this Achewood reminded me that all it takes is a man named Jack to get my hard-on raging.

Link.

Spetsnaz--not to be confused with Shiznas

2007-07-25T23:46:00.001-07:00

It takes a special kind of person to volunteer to be run over by a truck... and break a brick over one's head... and get hit with a large, wooden plank... and...

Play a Doovde on your Tiv.

2007-07-25T23:38:00.000-07:00

Prank calls are rarely as funny as the work of the Fonejacker. I was introduced to his work on BoingBoing today and haven't been able to stop laughing since.

Link.

Via BoingBoing.

XKCD breaks out

2007-07-19T07:26:00.000-07:00

I like XKCD a lot. Every now and then there is one that makes you re-read the punchline while grinning.

Link.

GOD DAMMIT I HATE BUYING RAZORS!

2007-07-18T07:39:00.000-07:00

Gillette is the most morally repugnant company in existence. I went out to buy replacement heads for their jizzo-blasto Mach 3 and found that not only was their a confusing array of three-blade replacement heads (ranging up to five blades) but the smallest package of replacement heads is a measly four blades at $10.99! The eight blade package is a whopping $21.99.

So, I tried something new. I found that Bic makes a package of four complete, disposable, 3-blade razors for the cost of $3.99. It's still a lot for a plastic handle with three angled pieces of sharpened steel, but it isn't $2.50 just for the angled steel with a weak, plastic frame.

Lesson? In our culture, it costs less to be wasteful. You pay the price dearly for what consumers might perceive as quality and avoiding waste.

Whew.

Well, at least I can shave now without taking out a mortgage.

Do the Cosmonauty!

2007-07-17T20:16:00.000-07:00

BORSCH!

New Russian Kit Pedlar in Town

2007-07-17T19:44:00.000-07:00

Finding quality Russian kit that isn't drenched in cosmoline or 50+ years old is tough, especially in the United States. That's why I was surprised to see Soviet-Propaganda pop up so soon. They carry all kinds of rare stuff like SPOSN Gorka and other stuff from ANA that is usually only available when ordering direct from Russia. So, if you are planning on a Russian loadout, this place may be worth a shot. I know team Shitsnaz will be shopping here.

Link.

Gun-mounted camera

2007-07-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

Looks kinds of cheap, but a company has recently produced an RIS-mounted digital camcorder that takes SD cards. It's about $200, so it is a bit rich for me to afford, but I would love getting my hands on one. My ghetto-rigged-camcorder-bolted-to-an-AK-receiver-cover doesn't do the job well enough to have any decent enough videos to submit. I may have to consider one of these little guys for the job.

Link.

Big-Eyed Guy Photoshop Compilation

2007-07-17T08:33:00.000-07:00

It was only a matter of time.

link

Best VG Cats ever.

2007-07-17T08:11:00.001-07:00

The problem with VG Cats is that it is not consistently funny. But, when they are funny, you'll herniate a disk while rolling on the floor. I suppose it takes just the right game, and Worms be it, baby.

Link.

I have been gone, but i will return.

2007-07-16T17:03:00.000-07:00

YEP YEP YEP. Those dirty U.P.L.A bastards got me. But i have escaped.

Huuuuugs!

2007-07-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

This is simply bizarre but I have seen evidence that has indicated that being nice to a robber is sufficient to turn them around and make them walk away, changing their mind. Even stranger is this example in Washington DC where a would-be robber first threatens to shoot a 14 year old girl and ends up sipping wine with the crowd, culminating into a group-hug. Just goes to show that alcohol can be used responsibly!

Link.

Via BoingBoing.

Video originally based off of this Achewood strip.

iPhone in a blender

2007-07-13T20:21:00.000-07:00

I'm not usually a fan of "will it blend" but I'll make an exception here. The old gentleman who gets all of his jollies by metaphorically peeing on consumer goods gets an iPhone into a blender and shows us what happens.

Link.

Response to "For the Love of God".

2007-07-13T17:03:00.000-07:00

If it is ridiculous or over the top, I probably like it. Damien Hirst is no exception. He is the Jackass of modern art and I like it, his taste is always terrible. So, it was only a matter of time until somebody had an artistic response to his latest creation, "For the Love of God".

Link.

Via BoingBoing.

Resident Evil 4 for the Wii, a terse review

2007-07-12T08:01:00.000-07:00

Resident Evil 4 may very well have been the best action/adventure game available for the Game Cube. It has some of the best graphics for the system, an OK story, and the gameplay is second to none. That's why I was so excited for RE4 for the Wii.

The basic idea is the same. They took the Game Cube version and updated it for the Wii. They also added a few extras from the PS2 version (Seperate Ways, a side-mission after you beat the game) and included a small amount of exclusive content like Leon's "gangster outfit". That said, that's not what this iteration of RE4 is about, it's about the controls.

The controls of RE4 Wii-edition are far better than the controls of any other action game on the Wii. So freaking good I could not put the game down and it is the primary reason I have not been posting as much to the blog lately. VS stopped posting in protest (or out of laziness), so you will have to excuse us. At least my excuse stems from having arguably the perfection of Resident Evil 4 in my TV room.

The controls are pretty much the same for movement and most everything else (button placement is of course a bit different), the only tweak is the aiming, knife-system and reloading. To reload, hold down the button to ready your weapon and shake your Wiimote up and down to get your Leon to reload. Shaking the Wiimote side-to-side results in Leon slashing with his knife. It makes it a lot more fun than simply hammering the A button with the left trigger pulled down like on the Cube. However, the real excitement is with aiming.

You have a cursor on your screen that you control with the Wiimote like a pointer. You point at an enemy with your Wiimote, prepare your weapon, and start shooting. While this may not seem like anything special, it adds tremendous depth to the game and it is way beyond a rail-shooter in terms of complexity. I am getting head-shots or knee-shots whenever I want and it makes the game much more exciting when you don't have to depend on freakishly huge guns to get through the game. It especially makes the game more fun when playing the Mercenaries. I am getting crazy scores playing the Mercenaries on the Wii. With Krauser, I got over 100,000 on all the levels with my first try! So if you enjoy the Mercenaries "game-within-a-game" on the original versions, I strongly recommend at least trying out the Wii-version, it is far more exciting.

Complaints? Of course. Not every gun is Wii-enabled. The rifles and RPG do not work with the Wiimote, you must use the analog stick. This is a gross disappointment as the rifle is necessary at certain parts of the game. I usually relied on the Red-9 pistol to get me through the game, so switching from a very entertaining gun to a rather boring gun to get the business done was quite lame.

Another problem is the game has not been remastered visually. It's the same exact graphics we saw on the Cube. Granted, the graphics were gorgeous for the time, but they put no effort into remastering the graphics for the Wii. I suspect this was a cost-cutting measure to keep the game as cheap as it is.

Also, the game may be too easy. I have not yet tried a fresh game on professional mode, but I got through normal mode in no time at all and got a 5-star rating on every Mercenaries mission inside a few days (normally a VERY difficult task on other systems, it took me over a month of on-and-off play on the Cube to accomplish this). I suspect professional mode can't be so difficult it stops the steam roller that is the Wiimote.

Bearing in mind that the game is by no means worse than any previous version and typically a vast improvement in game play, it gives us a high quality game that should be bought whether you never played Resident Evil before or are a big fan of RE4 and the other Resident Evils. You will not be disappointed with the fantastic game play and the depths which Capcom goes to ensure replayability with side-missions and unlockable content.

METAL GEAR FOR THE PC!

2007-07-10T11:44:00.001-07:00

It finally happened. They put METAL GEAR [box] on the PC. Not only that, but it's for Mac, Windows, and Linux!

Click here.

(P.S. I am so sorry for all the people this post pissed off. I thought I could get a cheap laugh out of your suffering.)

The Agonized Screams of all iPhone Owners

2007-07-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

I think Confucius once said, "man that buys first generation Apple product is retarded." All Steve Jobs could say is, "BOOM!" It is starting to sound like the case with the iPhone. We've probably got an iPhone "mini" or "nano" on the way if their production plants are gearing up for a tiny new device similar to the iPhone.

link

via: BoingBoing

Add preview images to Firefox.

2007-07-08T11:11:00.000-07:00

Lifehacker put up a link to the coolest Firefox Add-On I have ever seen. After installing it and restarting Firefox, you have the option of tweaking the add-on through a preferences menu in the add-on window. You can do all kinds of neat shit like scaling the preview images to a static number of pixels or a dynamic window width. It also doesn't seem to make Firefox much more bloated than it already is. Runs real speedy on my rig.

Link.

Via: Lifehacker.

emo!!!!

2007-07-06T12:34:00.000-07:00

damn i'm glad i graduated before this since arrived in our high schools, but i still am a proud member of the A.E.M (Anti Emo Movement).

more funny links about emo's
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kKDq8eFi-k&mode=related&search=
http://youtube.com/watch?v=SONh0O2Xh_s
http://youtube.com/watch?v=4c-P68dNFXw&mode=related&search=

The Transformers Movie may be the best thing ever.

2007-07-04T07:56:00.001-07:00

Find as many people as you can and take them to see Transformers. They will not be disappointed. My one sentence movie review:

Special effects that make you cry for joy, dialog that makes you pee yourself laughing, and a movie that doesn't try to take itself too seriously make for the best sci-fi flick of the summer and best robot flick of all time.

There are enough in-jokes for die-hard fans and enough action to keep non-fans on the edges of their seats. Go see this movie now.